Drowning with purpose? Or purposely drowning?

Merediths POV:

I don't think I'm the best at communicating what this experience is really like. I haven't managed to cover just how debilitated I've become. I cannot sleep because of the swarming pit in my stomach. Everytime I lay down I feel as tho I'm going to throw up. It easier for me to sit bolt up right and stare at the television or wall beside it as some sort of empty distraction. I can't eat. The fear that my own body will betray me is too much. The feeling that I will loose control over myself is all consuming. I had never really had thoughts of an eating disorder before, I had always had a thin, narrow figure almost the type people would fantasise over having. But for me I don't see that at all. I see all theses perfect models and actresses amongst me. I had never really let it bother me before but lying hear in this psychiatric hospital ward, I feel numb. Nothing. Empty. Like nothing matter anyone,nothing. I'm not even sad. It's not sadness. It's just an overwhelming bleakness. No desire to talk, eat or breathe. So I just lay. I lye there getting lost in my thoughts just wishing for some hope, maybe a sign. Just anything to not feel like this