Drowning with purpose? Or purposely drowning?

Merediths POV:

This feeling isn't like I thought it'd be.
It's not at all like how it's portrayed in books and films.
Where's the screaming... the crying.... the pill bottles and blades and any other unrealistic trope that Hollywood has perpetuated.
I'm not the sobbing mess I thought I'd be. I'm vacant.
I'm not suicidal.
I'm not.
Suicide is the act of intentionally taking ones life.
Being suicidal means you want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't know what happens after death, but I've always been told that there's no finality. You live on in some way, may be it heaven or reincarnation or even just your name on someone's tongue.
You live on.
I don't want to live on.
I want my entire soul to disappear.
As if I never walked the earth, as if I never touched other people.
As if I never existed.I just want everything to stop.
But I couldn't I felt the need to hang on, to keep going, not for me but for derek.he was the one person in my life that I've loved the way I do. I've never have a connection like this before, never felt that type of love towards another person that you know is reflected back on they way they love you, not even a parent-daughter kind of love. I do wish my farther hadn't of left me nor my mother. It felt like I had two absent parents, I knew my mother was still there but mentally she wasn't. Like she was only there because she felt she had to be, if there was a choice her profession or me I would be second on the list and always would be. What kind of mother would put work over there own daughter? There own child! My mother isn't a selfless person and never has been. She didn't choose surgery and Medicine for the love and thrill of saving others, she choose it for her own self enjoyment. She enjoyed picking up a scalpel and feeling like nothing else matter but the movements her hands made. I worry a lot that I'm like my mother. That I'm selfish and bitchy. When people see me they don't think to second look me they just think 'oh she's the daughter of 'THE' Ellis grey' apart from derek. Derek knows deep down that I'm nothing like my mother and he loves me for me even with my dark and twisty-ness