Memoirs of a Broken Guitar String (A Mafuyu x Uenoyama Fanfic)

Mafuyu's POV

On the way to school, I think about Yuki and last night's dream. It was different from the usual one where I just keep reliving the night I found him in his bedroom. I feel like Yuki was trying to tell me something important through it...but what is it?

***

I'm not lonely. It started out as just a phrase I'd repeat to myself to get through the days without Yuki but now, it's actually the truth. Since the day I met Uenoyama-kun in the staircase by the gym and he fixed my guitar strings, the loneliness that filled my heart is starting to fade gradually, all thanks to him.

After changing the strings, Uenoyama-kun simply played a chord to test my guitar, but the sound resonated deep within and shook me to my very core. It felt like I was the guitar in his hands and he was strumming my heart back to life with his fingers. It was in that moment that I wanted to learn how to play like he did. I wanted to turn the burden of carrying Yuki's guitar into an opportunity for a new beginning, with Uenoyama-kun's help.

I think that I'm definitely worse at expressing myself than others. I never know the right way to respond so people think I don't have any thoughts or feelings, but that's not true. Deep down, I've always wanted someone to understand even a little bit of how hard it is to feel trapped in your own mind. To understand how it feels to have all these painful feelings fester inside of you, but have no way to express them and free yourself. Instead of trying to release them, I'm used to running away and burying the unpleasant feelings deep inside.

When Uenoyama-kun heard me sing for the first time, he asked me to join his band, saying he was deeply moved by my sound. I declined at first because I didn't have any confidence that I'd be able to express myself through music like him and Yuki, but his passion and faith in me eventually made me reconsider.

Uenoyama-kun was the first person to truly introduce me to music: he taught me how to play the guitar, helped me pick out my first effects pedal at a music shop, and is encouraging me to write lyrics to a song he's composing. He introduced me to his friends and I'm having fun playing basketball with them during lunch. He includes me in everything that involves the band, our band, and I feel like I truly belong somewhere again.

When Yuki was still here, I realize now that my small world revolved solely around him. I didn't really do anything for myself because I always just followed Yuki's lead. Yuki's presence was like a bright light. His personality stood out amongst the crowd and everyone just naturally gravitated towards him. It was like he had this magnetic pull on my heart and I just wanted to be around him all the time. I didn't care what we did or where we went, as long as I was right by his side.

Yuki's hold on me was undeniable and I know without a doubt that he truly loved me, in his own way. We were happy and always together since an early age. We continued to be virtually inseparable as we grew up, but when we went to different high schools, things started to change and shift. Yuki started a band with Hiiragi and Shizusumi and spent a majority of his time practicing his music with them. He never asked me if I wanted to join in on their practice sessions and even though I tended to keep my thoughts to myself, a part of me always secretly waited for him to finally ask me.

Thinking back, I never found out why he didn't want me at band practices, but I figured it was because he thought I'd be a distraction and get in the way. I didn't want to become a nuisance or hindrance to him, so I tried to keep my uneasiness mostly to myself and trusted that Yuki would tell me why one day. I never expected that I'd never get the chance to hear the reason why from him...

Looking back on my relationship with Yuki, I realize that he actually kept his innermost feelings and thoughts to himself and only showed me one side of him. He was always smiling and appeared happy, and that made me feel like everything was fine. I always thought that I was the one person who knew him the best, but it turns out that he didn't even fully trust me to share his struggles with, and it hurts.

Since Yuki usually took the lead and just assumed he knew what I liked and what was best for me, I never really felt the need to express my own thoughts or opinions. It has been this way for as long as I can remember and it just seemed easier to stay quiet. I knew Yuki loved me and he knew that I loved him back.

After his abrupt departure, I felt like I was aimlessly floating with no real sense of belonging anymore with no anchor to keep me grounded. I no longer had someone who would take the lead that I could follow. I had to stand on my own now, make my own decisions, and carve my own path. It was a new and scary concept to me as I've always followed Yuki's lead ever since we were kids...

But now thanks to Uenoyama-kun, for the first time in a long time, I feel like my voice truly matters. He's considerate about my feelings and asks for my opinion regarding the band. He makes me feel truly seen.

As I mostly kept my thoughts and feelings within, learning how to express them openly now has been difficult and foreign to me. But with Uenoyama-kun's support, maybe this is my chance to be free and to be a part of something new.

There's only one way to find out.