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꒰ 𝖮𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 ꒱
𝗦𝗲𝘆𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗽𝗼𝘃

This week passed by so fast and I'm still getting used to all the touchy gestures that a relationship takes.

I feel like things are getting better but in the same time I don't want them to get better.

After spending so much time alone and feeling worthless I don't really recognize myself when I'm happy.

I've spend so much that in that dark place that now the normal life I'm getting feels weird.

In a weird way I found comfort in that painful situations because I've grown so used to them.

Also I didn't see mg father in a week and even if I hate him the most I'm wondering of when he's going to return.

He's never been missing for so long, even if I'm relieved not to see him I want to know he's still okay somewhere.

Maybe I didn't want my life to change this much? Or maybe I need time to adjust so fast?

It feels like I'm forcing myself to be comfortable with being social, eating normally, being happy, confident.

It doesn't feel like myself.

I'm supposed to go with Jay on a two week trip but I'm nervous.

My social battery isn't helping me and I feel like being alone again, when no one bothered to even look at me.

These thoughts lingered through my mind as I walked home along Jay, he's talking about something but it's hard to pay attention to it.

If I don't give him the attention he's gotten used to I'll hurt him and I ended up caring too much.

Why do I have to be this complicated? Why am I never good enough? Nothing ever sits right with me.

Maybe I was happier when I was all alone and worthless because I didn't have anyone to hurt besides myself?

Is that it?

"Hey is there something wrong? You've been zoning out all week." his tone got lower looking towards me.

I'll make him feel bad if I tell him how I feel, maybe I'm just overthinking too much.

"Oh yeah, I'm just tired after school, I can't wait to go to sleep." I fake smiled at him and he still looked at me suspiciously.

He stopped talking and glanced at me from time to time making sure I'm okay.

How can you want to hold onto someone so bad but still want them to not be part of your life?

I love him but I wish he wouldn't feel the same.