After the Beep

sunday, 8:00PM

[incoming call from fond of his balls]

"Hey."

"So, does girls threatening to rip of your nuts turn you on or something? Like, every time I talked about the detachment did it give you a boner? Are you deeply attracted to violent voicemails?"

"Not particularly. That whole scenario was rather concerning, actually. I was brushing up on stranger danger training and put 911 on speed dial. And it gave me a newfound appreciation for my balls. They were even getting sympathy aches."

"Are sympathy aches a code for a boner? Because you keep calling and it's making me worry for your mental state."

"It's my housemates. They've gotten kind of invested in the Delilah and Jason saga. And who could forget Fuckwit van Houton."

"It's just that personally, when I get a voicemail from a random that I don't know openly discussing a crime, I'm not super keen to start up a friendship. Unless it's an S&M thing. If you read Fifty Shades, that's between you and God. Or Allah. Or the great Margot Robbie. Whoever you pray to."

"I pray to Danny DeVito."

"Oh, good one. Love him."

"Don't we all. Anyway, my housemates have said that if I don't call you, they'll swipe your number and call you themselves. I don't think they believe you're real."

"I am unbelievable. Unbelievably awesome, I mean. But hey, are any of your housemates aged within two years of 19 and cute? If yes, feel free to leak my phone number."

"They are all 20, but I would never subject you to Kenny. I don't hate you. He has a pet duck."

"I like ducks."

"So, you have been subjected to the duck's evil spell too? They must have spellbinding properties, for everyone in my life has been hoodwinked by the vicious creature. It's going to eat my future children, and then devour me whole,. I can just feel it."

"You're scared of the duck?"

"His beady eyes have judged my soul and deemed it unworthy, Lilah. He's coming for me as soon as I let my guard down."

"Oh, so you're a weirdo."

"What?"

"You seemed kinda normal at the start, which was odd because, like, when is a wrong number turned frequent caller a normal dude? But the weird is leaking through now."

"Coming from you, Ms. Deballer and Resident Mailbox Shitter."

"Well, how often does a random leave you voicemails and wind up being normal?"

"I think you greatly overestimate how often this happens to me."

"Aw, am I your first?"

"I do not enjoy the implication of that question."

"I mean, hey, at least you still have the boys for your first time. You cut it pretty close with that, right?"

"You really are unbelievable."

"Unbelievably awesome is what I hope you mean."

"Naturally. You're my favourite scary duck-loving voicemail-leaving ball-removing friend."

"Woah, steep competition in that category this year."

"I spent hours deliberating over the results, but you know what, I am fairly confident in my decision to bestow the honour upon you. Oh, hey, I gotta run. Kenny's girl just got here, and I am being forced to awkwardly third wheel on their date. I'll talk to you later."

"You'll talk to me later, huh? So is this, like, a thing now, then?"

"We both know you'd be devastated if it wasn't."

"Not true. I want Kenny and his duck instead."

"Don't even joke about that. Uh, anyway..."

"Goodbye, Harry. Hug the duck for me."

"Respectfully, I will not. Like, ever. Bye, Delilah."

[end call]