After the Beep

thursday, 3:25PM

[incoming call from scary duck lover]

"I thought your housemates might want a Jason update."

"Did you just... did you just call me? Delilah Reynolds herself, deigning poor Harry with the pleasure of her company. I thought keeping in touch with your wrong number was 'really weird, Harry, I worry about your mental state'."

"It is really weird, but I think we've established from the outset that my mental state isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows."

"No, definitely skewed more towards death and destruction. Speaking of, how's our friend Jason?"

"Unfortunately, he can still produce children. But Chandler put his phone number in front of a urinal at a gay club in the city. And Jason is one of those gross, slightly homophobic dudebros. So, fuck you, Jason."

"You know how we discussed transferring you to Kenny with the duck? I'm okay with that, as long as I get Chandler. He seems like a cracking dude."

"Well, fuck you too, Harry. I see how it is. Ditching me for my brother. I'll have you know that the phone number thing was my idea. But sure, you can lose me for Chandler and then cry in your pillow for days and mourn the delight you let go."

"I take it back. You're right. I would definitely wallow. I would try to stay strong, but we both know I couldn't cope. I'd be like Bella Swan in New Moon, sitting silently beside the window for months, wasting away."

"You'd be so devastated you'd be driven into the arms of the duck for comfort."

"You could die and that would still not happen."

"Quack, quack, Harry. Quack, Quack."

"Would you consider it a problem that you making those noises scared me more than the thought of you ripping off my balls?"

"Didn't we establish that that turns you on?"

"Don't make fun of my sympathy aches, Lilah. It's mean."

[muffled background noise]

"Oh, shit. I have to go. My dog just vomited on my sister's carpet. But hey, I'll call you later."

"Quack."

[end call]