Save me before it's too late

Chapter 4

Gaon didn't know how he made it out but he did. The sun hit him in the eyes as he exited the hospital, blinding him temporarily. Blinking a few times did the trick and Kim Gaon had his sight fell on the view in front of him – a wide, busy street. Jogging those few meters was all it took.

It was about to happen, the big truck Gaon picked as his target approached him with high speed. Gaon just needed to get the timing right and jump in front of it at the last second.

That day, Gaon survived yet another of his suicide attempts.

Pair of strong arms grabbed the younger judge from behind when he threw himself in front of the car. Gaon knew this grip in an instance.

He knew it too well.

He knew it and still struggled. Still fought. Still yelled as loud as he could to let go, but the pair of arms held him so strongly Gaon soon ran out of energy. His head became dizzy, adrenaline levels quickly decreasing.

Gaon's body spun around and he found himself face to face with the last person he wished to see.

Kang Yohan.

Upon seeing his face, Gaon let out a soft gasp. All of the anger and reminding will to resist evaporated, leaving him speechless.

It was as if time stopped, a loud heartbeat and death grip on his shoulders was all Gaon could feel.

"Have you gone completely crazy, Kim Gaon?!!" Yohan's voice was already cracking as he violently shook the younger judge.

Although it was Gaon who attempted to end his life twice in three days, Kang Yohan hardly looked any better. His dark circles, glassy red eyes, pale complexion, and messy hair made him look at least as miserable as Gaon did. His expression was still frozen in horror and shock he felt upon seeing his ex-colleague running towards the street.

"So what if I did?! What is it to you, Chief?" This was not how Gaon dreamed of seeing Yohan again. A new wave of anger tried to rise within Kim Gaon but the expression Kang Yohan made once hearing those words was enough to extinguish it completely. Gaon could see how the Chief's eyebrow slightly twitched. How his eyes widened and bottom lip dropped. He looked utterly heartbroken.

Yohan's expression changed just as quickly into a new one, this time full of anger.

"What is it to me, you ask?" He imitated Gaon, every word soaked with rage. "I don't know, Judge Kim, you tell me?" Kang Yohan smiled so terrifyingly it sent shivers down the other's spine. "Why did I call Lawyer Ko the moment you collapsed, got on the earliest flight, rushed to hospital, and spent the whole night worrying to death about you not making it? Why did I summon the best doctors from other hospitals and beg them to save you no matter what? Why did I have to live through long and excruciating minutes when your heart stopped TWICE? When the very first thing you do is try to kill yourself again, why? WHY?!" Kang Yohan was full-out shouting. His eyes were fixated on Gaon while every emotion displayed on his face.

They were quickly attracting unwanted attention from people who walked by but neither could care less.

Gaon was so startled he could not do anything but stare at Yohan in awe. Once he processed at least some of the things the older judge told him, his mouth opened without Gaon thinking.

"Then you tell me, Kang Yohan, why?" Despite Gaon's better judgment, he had to say what he was about to. It has been weighing him down all those months and he just had to let it out. "Why did you leave me here? I know, I know!! I messed up hard. But you didn't even give me a chance to fix it, to make it up to you! After everything we've been through, you left me here all alone with just guilt eating me inside." Gaon's voice started to trail off, tears filling up his eyes. "I tried my best to rebuild the system as you wanted me to but... I can't do it. I know I don't deserve to be with you but I still couldn't stop these thoughts." Gaon sobbed, covering his eyes with the backs of his palms. Everything was dangerously spinning around him but the hands still gripping his shoulders steadied him. "I selfishly wished all three of us could be together like before, like a family... you at least have Elijah, but I'm alone. I don't want this, please..." It was hard to make out what Gaon was saying through his hysterical crying but the older judge heard enough to understand.

"You damn idiot," Yohan whispered and started dragging Gaon towards the hospital. Gaon let him, the crowd around them was getting bigger and bigger. He heard a few mentions of their names but let it go. This scene could end up in the national news the next day and Gaon wouldn't even blink.

Once inside and away from prying eyes, Gaon was familiarly pinned against a wall. Yohan's eyes pierced him again, but his expression was a bit softer.

"Is this what you've been telling yourself all this time? That I abandoned you?" His voice was low and raspy.

"What else if not that? After everything I did to you, it's what I deserve." Gaon whimpered, staggering slightly to one side. He was becoming dizzy again. It was all thanks to Yohan's grip and the wall behind him that Gaon's legs didn't give up yet.

"What did you do to me, Judge Kim? Care to elaborate?" Kang Yohan asked, his brows lifting up. He already knew the answer but still wanted to hear it from the other.

"Do you have to ask?" Gaon continued sobbing. "I betrayed you and Elijah, hell I even tried to kill you!" He spat out hatefully, still angry at his previous actions. "I have no right to be with you, yet I still can't stop myself from wanting just that..."

There was a long sigh before the other spoke again. "You have a habit of thinking too much of yourself and too little of others, do you know that, Kim Gaon?" There was a small smile on Kang Yohan's face. It looked as if he was pitying Gaon, who was now blinking in confusion.

"W-What do you mean?" The younger judge was at his wits, unable to comprehend what was Yohan hinting at.

"I never, not once said I blamed you, Gaon-ah. Nor did I think that way." Yohan said, looking Gaon straight in the eyes.

He meant it.

Kim Gaon could tell he meant it sincerely.

It was just too much and Gaon could not hold back anymore. He hugged Kang Yohan tightly, burying his face into Yohan's shoulder. There was a weird sense of deja-vu Gaon experienced, being reminded of the bomb incident – the very first time he tried to kill himself.

Yohan squeezed Gaon back and let him cry quietly. They stayed in the embrace for a long time before the older judge realized Gaon's consciousness slipped away. He was fully leaning on Yohan, eyes tightly shut and breathing even.

Gaon fell asleep.

Yohan carried him carefully to his hospital room, not letting anyone else take Gaon from him on the way.