One (A SPM AU BASED ON LN2)

(TW: Mentions of Suicide)

I teleported outside, having just let go of and essentially killed the only person who had ever shown me true kindness. 

My mind was split. Half of me was trying to justify what I had done, and the other half was yelling and screaming. 

What have you done, my mind cried. What have you DONE?!

I did what I had to. Right? I did what had to be done. Yes, it was horrible and cruel, but I... I couldn't let him turn into that man. It would be cruel to the world, and it would be cruel to One. 

He wouldn't want to become that man anyway. So... technically I was saving him, right? I was showing him mercy by letting go.

Right?

Even so... I hoped it didn't hurt too bad. Though, I know it must have. That look on his face... that look in his eyes... I've never seen anyone look quite that shocked and betrayed.

I could tell that it wasn't the flames that hurt him. It wasn't the magic that killed him. It was me.

I was responsible.

I eventually found my father, and then told him of what I did. I explained how I disobeyed him and went after One, but how I eventually... 'came to my senses' and did the 'right thing.'

He was proud.

He was finally proud. 

He said that it was what any good person would have done. He told me that I saved everyone by dropping One to his death. He praised me for betraying the one person who loved and trusted me, and I was allowed to stay in the tribe. He didn't send me away anymore. He began to treat me with at least a sliver of respect, which felt actually somewhat nice.

I was disgusted with myself for feeling good about it, but this had been all I ever wanted. All I wanted was for my father to be happy and proud of me.

And for some sickening reason, I actually started to believe everything the world had taught me. I forgot everything One had ever said and stood for, and I finally had begun to feel at home, feeling accepted by others. 

I felt like the world was okay without the sun.

We didn't need someone to bring the sun back.

For the first few years afterward, I told myself that I was okay. I always said that I was fine. I convinced myself that I could move past this. I tricked myself into believing that I had done nothing wrong.

For years, I truly believed that. 

But... it wasn't until I turned twenty-one that I began to see more and more once again. I'm not sure what had changed. Maybe it was the fact that I had become an official adult, but the guilt suddenly hit me like a tidal wave. 

The world was still dark. Children still screamed. Nothing had changed.

I began to become bitter, remembering all that One promised to do, and all that he could never accomplish now. 

Because of me.

I slowly grew to resent my father for getting in my head that night. For confusing my young mind. I slowly grew to blame him for what I had done, even though, truth to be told, it was my fault and solely my fault. I knew it was my fault, but I resented my father for convincing me to do it and praising me for it. I truthfully just wanted someone to blame other than myself. 

Even if I knew it was my own fault, I managed to convince myself that it wasn't. I convinced myself that it was 'the world's fault,' in One's words. If One were still here, he would say that my father made me this way, and the tribe made my father that way, and the world made the tribe that way. Then, he would probably make an inspirational, heroic speech on how that was why he needed to bring the sun back and save everyone.