Wade Wilson's Guide to Studying Your Spider

Wade already knew that if Spider-Man wanted to do something, chances are, he was going to do it whether or not you wanted him to. An unfortunate situation to be in, especially if you are part of the "don't do it" crowd.

Which Wade is.

He tries to stop him. He really does.

When Peter eventually unsticks from Wade, he ventures into the back of the room, as far from the door as possible, and examines the walls. That's not what Wade is against. In fact, he encouraged Peter to crawl around and get acquainted with his surroundings, like a puppy exploring its new home. Maybe if he felt comfortable, he'd come out of his spider head-space.

But no.

At first, Wade watched in fascination. The way Peter moves is strange, unsettling, and definitely not human. He never stands completely upright. He's always crouched, perched on a wall, or hunched over. Every movement is fast and deliberate, with an eerie swiftness unmatched by anyone who's not a mutant or a mutate. The clicks he makes come from his throat and chest, not his mouth, which only adds to his bizarre nature.

He's moving slower now that his injuries are catching up to him, limping up the wall instead of climbing. That's the first thing Wade tries to put a stop to.

He taps his foot and plants his hands on his hips. "Where do you think you're going?"

A series of clicks come from Peter as he glances down at him, and then he continues to crawl up the wall like a possessed child in need of an exorcism. When he's satisfied with his perch, he plants his good foot on the ceiling, crouches upside down, and shoots two webs on either side of him, pulling them tight until they're stuck and fastened together. He shoots another flurry of webs farther down, doing the same to those. The process repeats until the opening of a web appears.

The structure spirals inward, laying out a foundation similar to that of a funnel spider. Wade didn't deep dive on any specific spiders, he didn't have the time for that, but he lingered on a few of the cool ones (re: the venomous ones), and the funnel spider happened to be one. They chilled in their cool tunneling webs, waiting for an unfortunate bug to wander by and get caught in its sticky strands, and pounce on it, dragging their prey into the funnel to be consumed.

How Peter even knew how to make this is a mystery. It's probably some intrinsic spider thing that came naturally, but not all spiders made webs like this. Which begs the question, how many clashing spider instincts does Peter have bottled up inside that body of his?

Wade's fascination quickly becomes alarm when the webs come out tainted pink. Blood trickles from Peter's spinnerets, becoming steadier as more threads are pulled out. Peter's face pinches with pain, but he doesn't let up.

"Hey, Spidey, I think that's enough," Wade says, standing directly below him. "Seriously, that shit's gnarly. Maybe we should get that looked at."

Peter glances at him and goes back to work.

"How about a break? Your web is already super badass, but we can finish it later, okay?"

Peter doesn't even bother looking at him this time.

Blood trickles down his arm, dripping from his elbows, and splattering on the ground at Wade's feet.

"Seriously, Spidey. Stop it." Wade says, hackles raising, and he's ignored again. Gripping his hips tighter and pacing a few times, Wade clicks as loud and sharp as he can, which isn't much. He doesn't have whatever freak spider anatomy Peter has. It earns him a look, but Peter merely pinches his nose, hisses once, and goes back to work.

Wade scrubs a hand over his head. He spots an exam table nearby and hauls it over, using it to swipe at Peter. Give him a broom and it'd almost be comical. Why were Tony's ceilings so damn high? Who needs them to be this tall? Overcompensation much?