Wade Wilson's Guide to Studying Your Spider

Turns out, Peter's way of handling a spider episode is to grab the biggest blanket he owns, curl into the fetal position, and eat dry ramen from the packet.

This is, of course, only after arriving at his apartment 30 minutes earlier. As soon as he'd set foot on the heat-sucking wood floor, he marched into the bathroom, threw open the toilet to throw up, and spent the next 10 minutes furiously brushing his teeth. Wade hung back, deciding back in the cab that he was going to watch and see what Peter's routine was.

So far, he wasn't impressed. He followed from a distance as Peter stormed out of the bathroom, tearing off the tattered remains of his Spider-Man costume, and yanking on a pair of wrinkled shorts and a shirt. He then rummaged through his cupboard until he found an old Ramen Noodle packet and stalked to the bedroom.

Which is where they are now. Wade sat on the end of the bed with his chin in his hand, listening to Peter munch away under the blanket, and decides this is very sad and pathetic indeed. Not that he's one to judge in that department. Sad and pathetic are his general motif.

He was just expecting a lot more routine and fewer crumbs.

So what do we do now?

"I don't know," Wade says. "I don't think he wants to talk about it."

We've got to talk at least a little bit, right? Healthy communication and all that jazz. I mean, we're the type of degenerate to be okay with a few skeletons in the closet, but Stark's aluminum undies were so far up his ass he was choking on them. Do you really think he isn't going to peep about this?

"I don't know," Wade repeats. "He said he won't, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does. After we worked so hard to cover it up too." He scowls, hunching his shoulders. "I cashed in a favor for nothing."

Stark should reimburse us. It's only fair.

"Try telling him that. I think he'd rather chew through his own arm than owe us anything. Besides, he probably thinks we owe him."

Ha! I'd like to see him collect!

"I'm not worried about us," Wade says, looking at the blanket. "Stark is more likely to cash from him, and I don't think Petey has the backbone to refuse after all that."

"You know I can hear you, right?" Peter grumbles.

"I was counting on it. Now that I've got your attention, you wanna rejoin the land of the living?

The blanket moves up and down. "No..."

"Like I said, no backbone."

Peter's head pops out from under the blanket, hair mussed and glaring. "I don't owe Tony shit. I didn't ask him to take me to his stupid tower."

"No, you didn't" Wade agrees, eyes hard. "But I did."

Peter's drown deepens and he pulls the blanket tighter around himself. "I didn't ask you to do that either."

"Yeah, well, I didn't have much of a choice, mi araña. I had to stash you somewhere while I cleaned up that mess."

Peter recoils, tearing his eyes from Wade. His jaw sets tight as he chews on his words, but can't meet Wade's eyes when he asks, "How did you do it?"

If was only a matter of time before this came up, but that doesn't make Wade any more eager to talk about it. He rolls his eyes, stretching out the knot that had settled deep into his back. "Called in a favor. They took care of everything. No traces, no evidence, no bodies. No one will know what happened."

Peter doesn't look as relieved as he should be. Wade's a little miffed he's not as relieved as he should be. He was holding onto that favor for a long time, saving it for a special occasion. You can never be too stingy when it comes to favors from a government-sanctioned division.