Mr Player//BTS FF

Chapter 66

Jungkook lay on his bed, the time on his bedside table now reading 5, reminding himself that in an hour he would have to get up and start getting ready to go to work again. It looked pointless to try to sleep but he closed his eyes and curled himself under his blanket, trying to put his thoughts to sleep, along with his wounded heart. 

He was disappointed with himself and his marriage, the relationship he had with his own wife who, while in such a psychological state, instead of running to him for comfort, you ran in someone's else arms. He just couldn't understand what he had done wrong that had made him feel so far away from you. What was it that he didn't remember that could have made him fail to earn your trust enough for you to confide in him about everything that could be your pain and worry?

He wanted for you to love him, to accept him, in your heart and your body. But the more time went by the more he felt like he had neither of them and it was tearing him apart slowly in his messed up state, that he would pounder desperately to make sense of things and find good reasons.

Now the thoughts that he couldn't trust anyone had started dominating his mind again. The thoughts that everyone was being hypocritical toward him and hiding something from him, were waking up. The thoughts that something was going on and he didn't know. Everything left him with a frustrating feeling because he couldn't give an answer without having his memories.  

"Jungkook?" Your voice echoed in the room as soon as you stepped inside as you had called him and he simply hurried to close his eyes while he had part of his face, tagged under the covers. He held his breath instantly as he tried to pretend to be already asleep. 

You approached his side of the bed and took a place on the floor, ready to talk to him.

"Jungkook did you fall asleep?" You questioned and he stood still waiting for you to leave. But to his surprise, you stayed there and just took a deep breath before you started talking to him not caring if he was asleep or not.

"You know little one... I never imagined that just his name and the reminder of his existence could mess me up so much...I guess...After all, I fear him as much as I did back then... It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I'm still a weakling with just another age number." Your voice and the pause You took clearly indicated your seriousness and sorrow for your condition.

" And once again I did the same thing as before...I just ran, anywhere... far away. To hide somewhere. But what scares me is that I know that nothing can hide me well enough, nothing can guard me, keep me safe...And I can't run forever but I can't even face my fear. And here I am like a madwoman running at such late hours looking for something none can give me." You laughed at your last words, a knot tying in your throat as the minutes ticked by.

"And yes, if you weren't asleep I probably wouldn't be telling you all this. You wouldn't understand anyway. It's not your place to understand. I just wanted to be honest for a moment. To give you an explanation that if you were awake you would refuse to stop and listen to it because of course you are irritated with me". Jungkook was now left simply listening to you with a heavy heart while feeling even more disappointed with his behaviour as he realized that he at that moment did not see your own position, your own pain and your side of the story.

All he usually does is suspect you of everything and nothing and he never thought about how that would make a woman feel who now has a husband different from the one she knew up until that day. A relationship that was now as if they were starting from the beginning, you being the only one who remembers the moments that he deleted.

"I'm sorry little one... I've perplexed you, I know. But when you remember you'll see that I tried my best. You'll see that I'm not the bad guy or the good guy. I just tried and I'm trying and frankly... I think at this point I've lost my mind too" You confessed, your words confusing the thoughts of Jungkook who couldn't quite understand what you were talking about.

"I may never tell anyone this but these days you taught me some things, about life and how drastically it can change, about how you can lose what you take for granted like yourself or your memory. But the one that's more important is that I'm grateful for the love you show me. No one has done that except you until now and that's why I don't know how to handle this... Because what if...I might like it and I want to keep this love...because the way you love me makes me feel loved...it's so..nice, but you won't be always this Jungkook. You look at another this way... You'll get back your memory and then you'll leave me...so I just can't..allow myself to fall for this." Your words had now left him wide-eyed in disbelief, his mind drawing his own conclusion from the confusing information you didn't know that you had just given him.

After all, he may have been wrong all this time to doubt only you, and stupidly he was so sure that he would never be the one to cheat, but these are his current thoughts, maybe his pre-accident self was different, maybe the old self of him had let you down and had hurt you. His old self had lost your trust and you had stayed with him out of pity. Now a hurricane of assumptions occupied his mind, driving him to despair.

"Anyway, I've been thinking about stupid stuff lately. Regardless... Thanks." Those were the last words that reached his ears before you got up from the floor where you had been sitting and after a few seconds, he felt your hand gently touch his forehead that was left outside the covers, soon the feeling of your lips on his skin bringing a shiver through his body.

A kiss that felt like those a comfort person would give to her loved one, to bid them good night, filling the receiver with reassurance and calmness, only in his case, it filled him with fear that this was a goodbye and that brought a few tears to his eyes, which he kept hidden in the dark until he heard the bedroom door close.

---To be continued.....

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