R.J Forever?

A/N: mention of panic attack in this chapter. R.J forever? is ending soon :(

**

E.J's POV:

On Sunday, I submitted my application and final "You Matter Project" campaign video in on the Stanford Summer Program. I also saw Coach L and returned my Letterman jacket and uniform.

My dad had a friends and family BBQ and invited a bunch of his alumni friends and co-workers over. It was a really boring BBQ. I was only invited to it because college recruiters, alumni, and staff were invited. My mom hosted the BBQ, and my dad cooked a bunch of meats on the grill. I walked around and said hi to people but wasn't interested in any of the adult stuff.

After I returned my jacket and uniform to Coach, I was grieving from the loss of my passion for lacrosse. I knew at the time that it was a stupid idea to miss lacrosse, the thing that triggered my panic attacks and created my fear of coming out as bisexual. But it was something that kept my dad and I's bond intact. That bond was important to me, even though I knew that sports were a toxic and forced thing in my family.

Now, it's Monday and it feels weird not walking into school wearing my Letterman jacket. I had it with me last week to hold onto but I wasn't on the team. I don't know why I wanted to hold onto it. It was something made me, E.J Caswell. I was E.J Caswell the popular junior who was on the varsity Lacrosse team. It was my label. I was the most popular male student at East High, now I don't know if I am popular or not.

"Hey cuz, how was the Caswell family and friends BBQ?" I hear my cousin's voice from behind me and see her walk up to me wearing a rainbow ombre' dress with a light cardigan over it.

"It was okay, how's Ashlyn's craft corner coming along?" I purposely don't look at her in the eye and instead look over at Jackson hanging out with the Lacrosse guys that he doesn't seem to fit in with.

"I have a few ideas up my sleeve but I have to narrow them down to just one before the dance. What's going on in that head of yours? You seem very distant today. Is it because he hasn't walked into school yet?" I notice that my cousin has used Ricky's pronoun instead of his full name respecting our public relationship in school.

"No, I'm having second thoughts about something," I shrug my shoulders and watch Tristilina flirt with a soccer player.

"About what?" I feel Ashlyn tap on my arm since she's a few inches shorter than I am and can't reach my shoulder.

I look around the hall for a few seconds, and notice Chris staring at me but don't make eye contact with him then I do something that unexpected. I grab Ashlyn's hand and pull her into a classroom that just so happens to be the art room.

"What are you doing? What's wrong?" I hear my cousin whisper as I close the door as quietly as I can.

I don't care if anyone noticed us coming in this classroom, I need time and space away from the public.

I think I'm gonna have another panic attack.

It would be nice if I could talk to Ricky about my mental health struggles and those eight letters that I want to hear from him.

My parents don't give me the love and validation that I deserve or need, and now I have a boyfriend who can give met that love and acceptance. Although, he hasn't said the words, 'I love you' yet.

I just wish he'd talk to me more.

Pride Prom is at the end of this week and after that he's going to visit his mom in Chicago for her birthday weekend. He probably won't come back to Utah after that weekend trip even though he said he won't be moving till the end of the semester.