R.J Forever?

Chapter 58: R.J Forever

He's going to forget about me.

I'll probably get accepted into that Stanford Summer program and he will forget about me as soon as he gets to Chicago in two weeks time.

He is right about us in that song that he wrote for me, there is an expiration date for our relationship that just begun.

"E.J, you dropped this on the way into the classroom. You look a bit pale and shaky. Talk to me. Are you sick? Why are you shaking so bad?" I vaguely hear my cousin's voice while I take a seat at one of the art tables and try steady my breath and shaking.

I need external validation and Ricky.

I am going to have a panic attack every morning if I don't talk about what I'm going through.

ALONE.

"Here's your pride bracelet back. Do you need some water? I have an unopened bottle in my lunchbox," I overhear Ashlyn while listening to my heart beat faster than it normally does. '

"No. I don't need water. I don't want the stupid bracelet either. Ash, what's wrong with me? Why won't he tell me that he loves me? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should ask Coach L if I can be on the Lacrosse team next year. Why can't we be like Marcus and Jackson? Why are you so happy go lucky about being pansexual? I don't know what's going on with high school anymore. I'm trying to follow my dreams and fall in love and I tried to plan the best prom ever for Ricky. I am trying so hard to be the man my parents want me to be and they still don't care. I think it was a mistake that I left the team and came out as bisexual. I need to leave. Why is this room getting smaller and smaller? I don't feel good, Ash. I just want everything to go smoothly and perfectly at prom. It's my last chance to show people that I'm not just E.J Caswell the popular Junior Athlete who quit the Varsity team to date a boy. Wait, did I just say that? I'm spiraling , aren't I?" I rant to my cousin and don't even realize that my hands are shaking while I'm pacing around the room like an idiot.

My heart is racing like crazy.

I am losing control of my breathing too. I can feel my hands shake as I pace around the room.

"E.J, look at me. Look at the chalkboard. Look at your pride bracelet. Take a breath. In and out three times," I listen to my cousin speak softly and watch her put her hand on my shoulder as gently as possible.

I do as she says and it helps me gain back my focus and breathing pattern.

"Take a sip of water and try to focus on my voice," I hear her calming voice while blocking out most of the stressful thoughts on my mind.

I do as she says and slip my pride bracelet back on my arm.

After taking another deep breath, I feel her take her hand off of my shoulder and place it on top of my hand.

"Are you feeling better now?" I watch her take her hand off of mine and listen to the first period bell ring.

"Yeah, thanks cuz," I hug her tightly and grab my backpack from the floor.

"Wait, where are you going?" I feel her grab my hand again.

"To class," I look back at her then head to the door where students are waiting to be let in.

"No, you aren't. You just had a panic attack and we need to talk," I hear Ashlyn whisper a bit too harshly to me before I can open the classroom door.

"You have to go to class," I tell her while watching her pull out her phone.

"Meet me at the rooftop garden in 10 minutes. I need to get a sick pass from my first class. I just texted Nini and told her it's my time of the month. Oh and stay hydrated," I listen to my cousin say and watch her open the classroom door and let the art students in while she races down the hall.