Mr Player//BTS FF

Chapter 98

"I don't think I can give you an answer...it wasn't something like love at first sight or anything nor she had anything that other girls don't...but I think the moment I decided I wanted her, was one afternoon at the library, where somehow we ended up talking about love and crashes." Jungkook brought back that day in his memory as if it was a movie scene playing before his eyes. 

The breeze that was hitting his hair as they had occupied a table near an open window and the way Seon was looking outside at the blue sky, daydreaming of someone, he then didn't know who. He could even smell the freshness of that day as he closed his eyes and their conversation of the past got brought to life.

"She ended up rumbling about how she would love someone once she falls in love. How she would try her best to be there for that someone, accept their all and love them for all they are. How she would nurture and care for that someone, how she would never let them feel alone again because whoever gets to make her fall in love with her, would deserve it all.-...I don't know why but the more she was speaking about it back then, the more I felt eager, to have someone like that. To be loved like that." 

"Interesting," Dae uttered as she noted down in her notebook, making Jungkook hum in curiosity as he snapped his eyes open and looked at her.

"What is?"

"Nothing, let's go back to Y/N. Like all these years that you know her. How do you use to feel around her?" Dae directed the topic where she wanted or she had started placing some pieces together and she needed to know a bit more before concluding anything.

"Well...she used to get on my nerves, and she still does. Like always so annoying, teasing, calling me little one."A smile reached his lips as he started talking about you that he had not realised but Dae took instant notice of it.

"We just never agreed on anything. She was always feisty and you know how she likes using words with implications to insult you lowkey. Always sarcastic, like so hard to have a serious conversation with that woman. Ah, I used to ask every day myself about what the heck does Jimin finds in this crazy woman." He giggled at the recalling,  as his body jolted in place and his eyes looked at Dae full of enthusiasm.

"We just casually used to insult each other with small remarks playfully and even when I would get mad for real, she always took it as a joke, like she really doesn't let you space to be serious about anything. And, and she always had the impression that she can boss me around, always so direct with her commands, you have no idea how much I used to dislike her for that. Literally, the more I think about it the more my relationship with Y/N so far is just like a cat and a mouse but like I still considered her a friend. She was my brother's girlfriend and Seon's best friend and there was still an unspoken rule of respect between us always, I think." Jungkook concluded, unaware of how much he had been moving his hands while speaking and how he had literally stood up, his body failing to contain the happiness that those memories he called annoying, had brought to him.

"You know what I hear from everything you said so far, Jungkook?" Dae left her notebook at the side and stood up in order to hold eye contact with him as she was ready to break to him something that his mind might initially feel the need to deny.

"What?"

"You said it yourself. With Seon, you had erased everything of yourself that could possibly be hard to love. You didn't change yourself for her, you just hid all those parts of you that you considered as difficult to be accepted and loved by her. While with Y/N, you never hid anything. She was annoying you and you let her know that you were feeling annoyed, you would be grampy and she would make that state of yours seem unimportant or simply invalidate it. You felt irritated by that because it was changing you. Y/N was being that trigger that you needed to grow as a human and exactly because she was a trigger, you disliked her. She was getting you out of your comfort zone and bringing the aspects you hide on the surface in a light way. She was a challenge and a contradiction to your thoughts, and personality."

"Trigger huh...oh well she sure can be that." He took her words slightly lightly, making Dae place her hand on his shoulder and demand his attention with her serious gaze.

"You don't get it Jungkook. Your love for Seon was not even directed towards her. It wasn't love, it was an obsession but it wasn't even an obsession directed towards her. From what you told me, I think you were more obsessed over being loved than actually loving her. You listened to her saying how she would love and you got mesmerized by the possibility of how good and wholeheartedly she could love and that is why you wanted her. You wanted that love she talked about, you wanted to be loved that way and because she spoke of that, you thought subconsciously that only she could provide you with that kind of love."Dae seemed as if she had hit her epiphany moment, the enthusiasm of having solved it getting the best of her as a smile reached her lips and she clapped her hands together once in amusement over her own mind.

 Jungkook fell silent for a bit after she spoke, taking his time to process her words that had brought his mind to a pause for even though he had concluded himself that his love for Seon was an unhealthy one, he had never realized that the target of his feelings was not Seon herself but his despair to be loved and accepted.

The more he stayed silent the more Dae's explanation started blowing his mind for it made sense to him. He had always been an individual that was scared to show himself for he had a temper few would accept. He had an ego that was roaring within and a stubborn attitude most people in his life had commented on in a bad light. He was full of flaws and he was way too aware of that and the more he had gone on in life, the more he had understood that the chances of anyone loving him with those, were slim. Almost impossible. His own father had withheld love from him because of his hot-headed attitude, he was cast aside every time he was to show the ambitious flame he had within. Everyone and everything in his life had taught him to be things that he wasn't in order to be even considered to be loved yet his soul had always craved acceptance.

Maybe indeed her had reached that point of desperation than when he had heard Seon speak and claim to be able to love someone like that, the greed within him and the desire to have that kind of love for himself, had gotten the best of him and had veiled his everything, catching him in the claws of a lie he most likely needed back then.

"This could explain why I am still lingering like this. I don't feel like I want Seon back, but if she would come back and tell me she would love me like before...I am certain I will waver...that's why I can't even approach Y/N. It feels unfair towards her. She doesn't deserve a split heart. What do I do?" He took hold of Dae's arms and clenched into her with desperation in his eyes, as time was ticking on his head. Or so he thought because Jungkook was pressured over the fact that you may give a second chance to your relationship with Jimin.

"Oh, Jungkook, don't you see. If you have ever loved someone in your life, that's Y/N. Because no matter how annoying you used to find her, no matter how triggering she was for you, you have already been changing because of her. That amnesia period, the you that had no memories of anyone, accepted and loved her easily and strongly because you have already been doing that. You were desperate for love and thus chasing and fighting to maintain love with Seon. You were fighting to get it. But what about giving love? To whom were you giving love? No one, it was no one until the day you lost your memories, came. You loved no one till that day and then you loved her." Dae spoke with a fascinating expression all over her face as the more words she uttered the more shocked she felt herself over the full image of the puzzle that was clicking in her head.

"You no longer want to get love only...you want to give. And your heart has chosen her."

---To be continued...