When You Know

Day one. Harry dragged his feet towards the lift, reluctant to even be going to the party in the first place. He'd barely been back in London a day and the cold the city brought wasn't from the drop in temperature. He hadn't even been back to his own apartment yet, opting to stay at Ethan's for as long as he could get away with. As soon as he'd landed, everything had seemed duller. The street lights were dimmed and colours were muted. It was as if the only thing giving the city life had left - and to him it had. She had.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he hoped she'd at least texted. Just something, anything he could use as an excuse to spend the night talking to her instead of pretending like it wasn't a big deal. He'd promised he wouldn't care, but on day one he was already regretting making it. The nine months spread out in front of him like an endless highway, and he wasn't completely convinced he'd reach the end of it.

Harry was at least thankful for Ethan, greeting everyone as soon as they arrived with enough volume and bravo for the two of them. It meant he could slink off to the side briefly, give a few hellos and resort to the sofa with a bottle in hand. He'd pictured himself already in that same position all night, maybe excusing himself over midnight for a brief respite away from the sheer amount of couples that had filed themselves into JJ's flat. The worst thing would be dodging the questions, and Harry hoped Ethan had at least filled his friends in on what had happened and warned them against bringing anything up. But he knew that it was pointless, he'd managed to find the link between every conversation already.

The front room was so packed full of his friends that he didn't even spot her at first, the one person on earth he didn't want to see. Of course she was here, he thought, she had every right to be. Yet it still felt like a kick in the teeth how happily she hung off his best friend's waist, talking to everyone like she'd known them for years. Sandwiched between Josh and Simon, he hoped he could go unnoticed for a little while longer. Avoid the one, constant reminder of the fact Murphy was gone from his world, even if just for a short while.

'Harry!' Megan cheered, making a beeline for him from across the room. 'How was the flight?'

'Lovely,' he forced a smile.

'God, aren't you miserable?' She laughed. 'Are you gonna be like this all night?'

'Depends, are you sticking around?' He half joked. As much as he liked Megan as Cal's girlfriend, she only served as another reminder.

'Wow,' she raised her hand to her chest. 'And here I thought I was your favourite.'

'Oh, far from it.'

'How are you doing though, seriously.' She lowered her voice, sitting herself on the floor in front of him. Silently, she lifted his apartment keys from her jacket pocket and handed them over with a frown. He took them quickly, avoiding eye contact as he did and staring down at her hands that picked at the skin from around her fingernails. It was the tiniest movement, but he recognised it in so many people he knew. It was the indication that he wasn't alone in the empty feeling of loneliness.

'I'm fine,' he smiled again. It was hard to hate Megan, she had the uncanny ability to make every room seem a little more familiar. 'Have...have you heard anything today?'

'Not much, bits. They're travelling to New York for New Year, but I think she's still driving. I know they rented a car since there's only five of the crew at the moment.' Her voice was almost at a whisper.

'Who's they?' He asked, a genuine curiosity.

'Dean, Sam and Emily. Oh, and one of our old friends was in America so I think they're catching up. Vinny, he used to go to Uni with us.'

Harry's heart dropped through the floor at the mention of his name. He'd only heard it a few times before, but his mind had snapped to the photo Murphy kept in her room of the two of them. The way Murphy had talked about him, it was already clear they had a special bond, a history he could never compete with. He'd never asked it, but a part of him had wondered if there'd been more to the story, something she'd not told him. He tried to put the thoughts to bed, telling himself that he was being ridiculous, but they kept creeping back in.