Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

1978: The Stairwell

"You could always just sleep here," he says. "Nod off at the table like Sirius does."

The movement is sudden. One moment, Sirius is staring off into space, the next he's looking at Remus with something like venom in his gaze. "You can fuck off," he says.

"What did I—"

"Oh, screw you," Sirius says and leans forward.

"Hey, hey," James cuts in.

"You can fuck off as well, if you'd like to," Sirius says to James, eyebrows raised.

"What the hell, Sirius?" James says.

"I don't know why he has to fucking pick into what I'm doing," Sirius says and jerks his head toward Remus, who sets his hand on my knee like he's protecting me.

"Can we not?" I speak up. "Please."

The boys quiet down, and Sirius' cheeks fill with color as he looks away again.

"I was just kidding, Padfoot," Remus says.

"No, I'm sorry," Sirius says and rubs a hand over his face. "I'm sorry. I don't—I'm sorry."

We all fall silent, and I wonder if this is how we're going to end our time at Hogwarts. Hating each other and bickering over nothing. I look down at the textbook before me and I can't suppress the sigh that escapes my lips, and then I close my textbook and stand up, tucking my things in my bag.

"Where are you going?" Rem asks.

"I don't know."

"Want me to come with you?"

"No, thank you. Really, Rem, I appreciate you. But I'm fine."

He nods and begins to play with the bandage on his finger absently. I shoot a small smile across the table, and James shapes his hands into a heart and then melodramatically breaks it with a ridiculous expression on his face.

I leave the library and wander through the corridors absently, trying not to think about how close to graduation we all are and how worried I am that everything is going to change. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason we're still friends is because we have to be, because we're all stuffed into this school together and people expect to see us together. I wonder if the bonds between us are going to dissolve when we're out of school. I wonder if we'll ever all be together again once we're not forced to be.

I stop in the middle of the hallway and look around the school. Everything that I know is going to change soon, and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay here. I don't want to graduate. Pressure begins to build in my head, and I want so badly not to cry, so I veer to the side and collapse onto the staircase, dropping my head into my hands.

"Fuck," I mutter. "Fuck."

I focus on my breathing so the tears don't fall, but I'm thinking about how the job market is so competitive right now and how I don't have a job and how I don't have a place to live and how I don't know what I want to do and—

"Having a mental breakdown without me?"

I laugh at the same time that the first tear falls.

"Oh, Christ, Sunshine," Sirius says softly and hesitates for a moment. "Don't cry, please. I didn't mean to act like a psycho—"

"No, it's not that," I say and look up at him. His facial expression makes me want to cry harder, so I look at his shoes instead. "I'm just stressed out."

"I get it," he says. "Do you mind if I..." He gestures to the spot beside me. I shake my head and scoot down, and Sirius sits beside me on the stairs, stretching his legs out before us. "We're all stressed right now, I think. You don't have to cry alone on a staircase. You can do it with all of us. I promised James I wouldn't tell you, but he cries when he sees you crying, so you definitely wouldn't be alone."

I giggle quietly as I wipe away tears. "I know, I've caught him before."

"I didn't mean to drive you away," he says and wipes his hands on his pants. "I didn't mean to..."

"Yeah, what's that all about? You're acting nearly as crazy as me."

He tips his head back and stares at the ceiling. "It's incredibly embarrassing."

"More embarrassing than getting caught crying in a stairwell?"

"I was getting jealous," he says. "Even though I know I have no right. I know you and Remus are close, and I don't know exactly what you two are to each other, but it's none of my business, and I shouldn't be an asshole just because I can be. It just... It feels like he's trying to rub it in my face that you and I don't have that kind of connection, that you don't trust me like that, and it hurts, and I'm crazy so I don't know what to do about it other than calling him a fuckhead."

I sigh softly and drop my head against his shoulder. Sirius tenses up, his entire body stiffening. "We're not quite right, are we?" I ask quietly.

"No, not quite," he says and I can feel when he tries to relax. I nuzzle closer to him and let my eyes fall shut, trying to pretend like this isn't our last week together before we're forced into the real world.

"I don't know what I'm going to do when we graduate. I don't know what I'll do without you dorks."

"You going to disappear on us, Sunshine?"

"Isn't that what happens?" I ask.

"Not with us. I don't know how I could go without teasing you or watching James do stupid shit."

"You're not afraid we're going to drift apart?" I ask.

"I think it would take a lot to keep us apart," he says.

"You know that Remus and I aren't together, right?" I ask him. "Never have been."

"I don't know what's going on between you two, and I don't think he does either."

I press my lips together. I let silence wash over us before I get the courage to say, "I thought you and I were going to be together after everything that happened last week."

I feel him freeze, his body tensing again.

"So," I continue, "I guess I have no idea what being in a relationship is supposed to be like, and I guess no one around me knows what's going on either. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. Maybe I'll just give up and go live in a cave somewhere in Iceland."

He doesn't say anything. I lift my head from his shoulder and look at him, and his eyebrows are drawn. I open my mouth to keep talking through my nervousness, but he presses his thumb into the center of my chin, his fingers curled underneath, and then he leans in and kisses me, slow and gentle and soft.

I push my stress and my nerves away and let my eyes fall shut, hesitantly setting my hand on his cheekbone and following it to his hairline, and then I sink my fingers into his hair. He makes a quiet sighing noise against my lips and shifts closer to me, cupping my cheek with one hand and letting the other fall into the crook behind my knee to pull me closer. His lips are soft and sweet and warm, and my stomach flips every time he makes a noise or moves, and he deepens the kiss until I feel faint and have to pull away, burying my heated face in his neck.

"If you try to disappear on me after we graduate," he whispers, "I'll have to track you down."

"I won't disappear," I promise him and press a kiss right above his collarbone. He inhales deeply, and there's a slight waver in the breath.

"I won't let you."