Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

As it turns out, it's a lot more difficult than one would think—living with someone you were once extremely intimate with. 

Sirius and I made an agreement after our awkward encounter in the hallway. We agreed that we would just be normal. That we wouldn't let our history destroy our new arrangement. 

It's harder than I thought.

I've been eating better and getting healthier. I've gained a few pounds and I've been sleeping better. I've been more active than I was at the cottage. I feel like I've regained some of my livelihood. 

And along with the livelihood awakes another thing that once was dormant inside of me. Lechery.

When I was younger, I didn't have much of a problem with lusting over people. I got the occasional crush, and I was never opposed to dating (although Sirius was always a prominent obstacle in that regard). But I never really felt sexual desire for anyone. Not really. 

Of course, that all changed when Sirius and I officially got together after my injury. It was like he awoke something inside of me that I never knew was there, and then I found myself craving him almost constantly, whether it was a slight nag at the back of my mind or an overwhelming desire that overtook all other senses. He did nothing to stifle my desires, either, and anything that he could have done to quell my desire only strengthened it. 

There were times when our work schedules wouldn't align, or times when I was away visiting friends out of the country, and the lapse in our sex life would build up until I was terribly impatient, and it would always result in me essentially climbing up the man like he was a tree. But he could satiate me, and when he finally relieved some of the tension, the desire that I felt for him would return in a more controlled way.

After Sirius went to Azkaban, I lost my sense of sexual desire for a long time, and it had been six years before I moved on. Even longer before I felt comfortable enough with Rem to be intimate. 

But the way that we were living, my constant distress about my job and the cottage, and the guilt that I still harbored over Sirius kept me from experiencing much desire. I guess I just always assumed that it was my age. 

It's interesting, actually. A lot of things have changed since I've left the cottage. I find that I'm not as distressed about my life in general. For so long, I was so miserable that I found it easier to view the world through Rem's eyes, adopting his opinions and thoughts as my own just because it was easier. I know that Rem never intentionally allowed it, but I'm not sure he really noticed the difference. I think he just attributed it to my grief until he accepted that it was just who I was. 

Sirius doesn't let me get away with it.

He forces me to think for myself and take the chance of stirring up conflict, and I don't hate it. After everything that happened with James and Lily and Peter, I had always wanted my life to be quiet and uneventful. To keep my head down and let the brave, outspoken version of myself die with my friends. 

But Sirius coaxes it out of me. He doesn't let my grief consume me any longer. And I think I'm realizing that my grief wasn't what was holding me back for all these years. Of course, I still grieve for James and Lily, and I still hate what happened to Sirius. But so much of my unhappiness was caused by the way I was living, smothering myself in my own mind, my own body.

I feel more like I used to now. More like myself.

Along with all the good, though, comes the bad. My desire.

I know that it's natural, and I know that Sirius would understand. He has never been the type of person to guilt others for something as natural as sexual desire, but I have a harder time convincing myself that it's not wrong. But the more I try to suppress it, the stronger it becomes. Until everything is attractive to me.