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jules

i couldn't sleep. i'm not sure why, but i know i have many possible reasons for that. first i drank coffee on an empty stomach which always makes my bones shake, and gives me the worst anxiety. second, the first reason usually results me to remember the good times back home and imagine how my life would be if they were still in it. third, i kept debating humoring younger me and giving her dream a chance of seeing the light. fourth, i somehow admits all those thoughts managed to think of her. it's what stood out to me cause it's a new thought to stay up to, i wondered what it would be like to let her in.

as a result of that i slipped out my bed and started sketching a plan on my ipad and apple pen. made a mind map for the interior and a separate one for the exterior after finding a location. created a word that contained the money costs with my total budget at the top of the page to keep in mind, all the money in my savings account.

when the sun started peeking through my windows, it didn't seem impossible anymore. that's when everything began to quiet down and my eyes started fluttering back to sleep. then everything was black and i was knocked out dead.

"julie." a warm hand was on my back. "julie." her soft voice said again.

"claud?" i opened my eyes slowly.

"you had me worried." she sighed in relief. "when did you sleep."

"i don't know, sunrise... i think?" i lifted my head off the table and stretched out my hands.

"what were you doing?" she frowned.

"i couldn't sleep so i distracted myself." i replied, getting up to wash my face. "what time is it?"

"it's two o'clock." she replied.

"shit." i chuckled. "it's good that i don't have any plans." i sat on the toilet. "hey sorry i made you come here."

"it's okay, im just glad you're okay."

"what could possibly happen to me?" i smiled. "im fine."

"i don't know julie." she sighed. the smile on my face slowly fell away, realizing the thought process she might've went through.

i got up, washed my hands, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. i put on my sunscreen and moisturizer then faced claudia again over at my living room. "i'm sorry." i hugged her.

"i love you julie."

"i love you more claudia." and we held hands each other for a while, in complete silence. i don't know how to tell her that i wouldn't hurt myself like that, because it's messed up to tell you best friend that you won't kill your self. she shouldn't even have to worry about that, it's really not her responsibility and how can i promise something i can't guarantee.

it's not like i'm planing to, no i'm not but if.... i don't want the last thing i do on this earth to be me breaking a promise with the person that's been there the most for me. well the last thing would be me doing the act really... and i think it's an unspoken promise to not end your life.

"are you crying?" i asked softly and she sniffled. "claudia." i held her tighter as my chest tightened up. i made her cry and no matter how hard she'll maybe try and deny it or i'm gonna, i made her cry.