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"𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭𝐲, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟."

~Anthony de Mello
****

Stacey's heart tightened at Dareen's statement. What did she mean she never did finish? There was more?

Dareen nodded as if answering her unspoken question. "This is the part that broke me, placed me in my lowest low, and mended me, taking all the bits and putting me together so I am who I am today." She let go of Stacey's hand and clasped her silk-gloved hands together, a faraway look on her face.

Then, she began. "After Brian and I got married, we wanted kids right away. We were newly weds who loved each other so that didn't seem like a problem. Until the first year passed and I wasn't pregnant. Then the second. I was sad but Brian said it was fine, we had our whole lives ahead of us together, and I agreed. Then the third year came around, and the man I was supposed to be spending my whole life with, that we had our whole lives ahead of us together, had to travel. Had to leave for a whole year on an assignment. Like the one he went for when we first met."

"His evangelism," Stacey noted, remembering Dylan saying in their second or third meeting that his dad was an evangelist. "Your son" — she could not bring herself to mention his name right now — "told me he stopped traveling after he met you."

Surprise re-arranged Dareen's features. "He told you that much? Mmh," then she smiled, "He didn't stop travelling right after he met me. For a Christian, your partner shouldn't dull your growth or God's purpose for your life. So, of course, I couldn't stop Brian. He did stop traveling after that though, after he was told he was needed at home more than out there. But as at then, he was still needed out there. I felt broken, I had grown too attached to him by then. I revolved around him. I had gotten my high school certificate already and wasn't planning on going to college yet. At all.

"A week before he left, I was following him around like a dog and clinging to him like a monkey, trying my best to remember every bit of him and take enough to last me the whole year because I just couldn't see myself going through the whole year without being near him." She exhaled, like she was getting to the dark part. "Then the day arrived, and he left. Alone. I was alone in that whole house. We had left Denzel back at his parents' when we got married, despite her tears and all, at least Camille was perfectly capable of taking care of her.

"Two months in, after Brian had left, I was turning in on myself. At his parents, I could not drink, didn't risk it. Living and being with him, I didn't see a need to. But left alone to my devices, without him or any voice of caution there, voices from the past filled my head, and the need to forget how lonely and pained I was led me to what I thought I was done with—Alcohol. I drank. A lot, Stacey. To sleep, when eating, when thinking about him —which was almost everytime. And I had nasty hangovers which made me take pain reliefs, so I could get it over with and drink again."

Stacey watched the shift.

Dareen's shoulders slumped as she ran a hand over her face, before continuing, "Until one morning when I woke up in intense pain.

"I had tried to stand up and when I looked down, it was all blood. Shaking, I had bundled myself to the hospital, heart cracking, tears at bay. And it wasn't until the doctors told me, after asking series of questions, and conforming my fears that I...broke, completely broke down. I had a miscarriage. I was 9 weeks gone. I mourned the loss of what I could have had.

"I wanted something so bad, got it, and I killed it. By myself. With my own hands. Apparently, alcohol and painkillers don't mix. "

She covered her face. "If I had never drank, I would never have lost the baby. I imagined the smile and surprise on Brian's face if he had come back, with me holding our baby, and how I had wiped it off. And I became a shell of myself."