What's Wrong With Us?

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains themes of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, emotional abuse, and self-loathing. Reader discretion is advised. If you or someone you know is struggling with similar feelings, please seek help from a trusted friend or mental health professional.

It's been three days, and Archer had missed a total of 56 calls: 23 from Mackenzie, 14 from Kiefer, 11 from Celestia, 5 from Loxley, and 3 from Kamaria. He remained in a small, abandoned chapel in the forest, isolating himself. While this behavior was typical for him and Macky, it was unusual for the others. Arch often retreats to this chapel to cope with his intense feelings of depression and to process his thoughts and emotions alone, away from external pressures.

Over the past three days, Arch had mostly slept to escape his feelings, cried to release pent-up emotions, ruminated on past mistakes, mindlessly scrolled through the internet, and neglected basic self-care. Now, he sits staring at his mother's messages about his situation, each word echoing in his mind as tears streamed down his face.

"You're at it again. Your adviser mentioned your constant need for attention! We're providing you with everything-a roof over your head, money, and the chance to study at one of the most prestigious academies-and you still behave this way. Do you remember what happened last time? Your grandmother nearly died because of your actions! We made an effort to accept you, even with your so-called 'gender fluidity,' but it's clear you don't appreciate it. Just admit you're gay; this whole situation is shameful and disgusting. Snap out of it! Be strong like your brother, who should be the one struggling with depression given his medical school pressures. But no, you're still in high school, and it's not that difficult. You'll never be like him-he's ambitious, while you're lazy. He's accomplished, and you've only failed. He's kind, and you're selfish. He's a relief to us, while you're a burden."

He kept rereading each sentence, each word, and each syllable. His sobs were so loud they echoed through the chapel, amplifying the harsh words of "you're a burden" in his mind, as if his mother's voice was trapped inside him. It had always been like this, both at home and here, away from them.

He feels unable to make her proud, but at least his father is trying to understand him, especially concerning his mental health, sexuality, and gender. However, his father never steps up to defend him, and he doesn't understand why. He just wished, even if only this once, that his father would stand up for him.

Arch sprang up and tossed his phone onto his purple sleeping bag. He aggressively wiped his tears with the back of his hand, rubbing until his skin was red from the friction. As he began pacing the chapel, his breathing grew rapid and shallow, and he repeatedly struck his own head in frustration. His heart pounded so fiercely that it felt as though it might leap from his chest.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid burden," Arch muttered to himself repeatedly, his voice filled with self-loathing. As he scratched his inner arms aggressively, the skin broke and bled, but he barely registered the pain. The harsh words of his mother consumed him entirely, overshadowing his physical suffering.

"I-I should have already ended my life. I don't deserve to be here. I should be rotting away right now..." Arch's voice, strained and slurred from relentless sobbing, grew softer until it was barely audible. He clutched his chest, desperately trying to hold onto the love and pride his mother once had for him, before collapsing to his knees in complete despair.

The cold concrete floor bit into his skin as sobs wracked his body. Arch pounded his fist against the ground, the physical pain a futile attempt to match the depth of his agony. Driven by a desperate need to end his suffering, he forced himself to his feet and began searching for his bag, where his three-year-old blade lay. Stumbling over debris and scraping his hands against the rough chapel wall due to blurred vision.