What's Wrong With Us?

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains themes of panic attacks, childhood trauma, domestic violence, emotional abuse, and references to self-harm. Reader discretion is advised. If you relate to any of these experiences, know that you are not alone, and it's okay to seek support. Your feelings are valid.

It had only been a week since Archer's attempt, but for Mackenzie, it felt like a lifetime. The guilt, anger, and fear gnawed at her, replaying in her mind until she had flung her homework onto her bed in frustration. Inside, Macky was screaming as she struggled to calm herself. One of her dormmates noticed her distress and saw her having a panic attack, trembling and clutching her chest as if she'd been shot with a bullet to the heart. He slowly rose from his bed and, with evident hesitation, approached her. "Hey, Macky... You okay?" Case asked softly, stopping a few inches from her study table to respect her space.

Macky, her voice strained, trying to suppress her emotions, choked out, "Uh... yeah-yeah. Just-just a bit shaken." She tried to keep her voice steady, her eyes darting away as if hoping he would disappear.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, don't worry..." she replied quickly, attempting to mask her panic with a nervous chuckle. Case narrowed his eyes at her for a moment before returning to his bed, respecting her boundaries. He understood that she might be feeling embarrassed, and pressing her further could increase her stress. However, he kept a watchful eye on her to ensure her safety.

Meanwhile, Macky gripped her study table with one hand, her knuckles turning white as she recalled the academy counselor's advice: "Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a second, and exhale slowly through your mouth." She followed the counselor's advice, closing her eyes and envisioning a serene beach. She focused on the sensation of the calm environment, gradually relaxing and loosening her grip on the table.

In her mind, she repeated, "I'm in control of my mind. I'm in control..." Case continued to watch her occasionally, a smile of pride crossing his face as he observed her managing her emotions so effectively. Satisfied, he returned to his phone. Even though they didn't know each other well, as dormmates, they had learned to recognize when and how to support one another in times of need.

After a while, Macky stood up, gathered her things, and placed them into her shoulder bag.

Turning to Case, she said, "Hey, Case, thanks for checking on me earlier. I really appreciate it. I need to head outside now. Thanks again." Case responded with a warm smile, acknowledging her gratitude. He waved goodbye as she stepped out of the dorm.

As Macky walked down the building, she noticed her acquaintances from the same clique, including Kimberly and Grant, her other dormmates, mingling with other skaters in the living room. Despite their presence, she couldn't bring herself to engage; her recent panic attack had left her feeling on edge. She was sweating and felt as though she was suffocating with every step.

When she finally opened the door to go for a walk and truly relax-not just momentarily-the bright sunlight hit her face. She quickly squinted and shielded her eyes with her hand. She padded to the acacia tree where the six of them had hung out for the first time last month.

Slumping against the tree, she let out a heavy sigh, her mind racing with thoughts: "What if I had snapped at Case earlier? What if I hadn't calmed down? What if I stayed like this forever?" Each thought felt like a tight grip around her neck, threatening to overwhelm her with irrational fears. Macky grunted in frustration, trying to silence the onslaught of negative thoughts.

She reached into her bag for her wireless headphones and turned on the music she usually relied on to soothe herself. Once the song settled in, she took out her journal to write down her thoughts, aiming to understand her feelings about Arch's attempt and the guilt, fear, and anger she felt. She had been journaling for two years, ever since the academy counselor advised her to do so.