One-shot's: Deadpool x Reader

? You go first ?

Then Y/N steps in, cue the violin music: "Oh my goodness, Wade..." Ah, here comes the sympathy bomb that's going to leave me crying into my chimichangas tonight. "You must've been really attractive... to still look this good with scars."

Wait... what?!

"Was that a compliment?" I ask, dusting myself off like I've still got some dignity left. 

"It could be," she says with a shrug and a smirk that's way too smug for my liking.

Meanwhile, Spider-kid's standing there, mask in hand, looking like he just saw a ghost, or like he's trying to unsee whatever this beautiful mess of a face is.

"You know, I wasn't expecting... this," he says, struggling to find words like me trying to find a good metaphor. "I thought you'd be more... intimidating?"

"INTIMIDATING?!?" I shout "THIS ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU?!"

"No, no," he stammers, backtracking "I just thought a mercenary would look... tougher."

And there it is. I am officially offended.

Trying to claw my way out of this awkward hole, I turn to Y/N, trying to deflect. "What about you, huh? When's your turn to unmask? Kinda feels like I'm at a disadvantage here."

She smiles, that playful twinkle in her eye as she toys with the mask on her face.

"Maybe one day," she says, leaving me hanging. "But for now, I'll keep a little mystery."

Ugh, of course she will.

Spider-Boy inches closer, curiosity practically leaking from his spandex-covered face.

"Mystery?" he quips. "What, got a scar uglier than Wade's?"

"I don't have one," she says.

"Well, then nothing to fear, right?" I shoot back, totally expecting something juicy.

"Oh, yes there is. I wouldn't want you freaks recognizing me on the street, trying to say hi, and embarrassing me," she shoots me down. Excuses, I tell ya.

"Scars," I accuse, pointing dramatically. "Or, like, a really gross mole."

She mumbles, "No scars."

 "Take off the mask! Thor, Banner, Stark—assemble, or attack, or... do something cool!"

Naturally, they ignore me. Like they do all my best plans.

"Why do you help Spider-Boy? What's he got that I don't? Favoritism! I'm calling it!"

"Uh, Wade," Banner says, sounding way too calm for this moment, "she's a woman."

"You sexist..." I point my finger at him, then spin toward Y/N. "Alright, here's the deal—take off your mask or take off your clothes. Dealer's choice."

She shrugs. And then—oh, sweet chimichangas—she actually starts pulling her suit down over her shoulders!

"No, no, no, no!" The Avengers suddenly wake up and yell in unison. Party poopers, all of them.

"Fine! Mask it is then," she grumbles.

Cue dramatic music – we're all on the edge of our seats, staring as she sloooowly peels off her mask. And what's the first thing I see? Hair. Lots of hair. I'm talking "did she hide a wig back there?" levels of hair. How does that even fit under a mask? Is it magic? Did Dr. Strange help with that? Anyway, back to the point.

She settles in a bit, and now—bam! Eyes. Bam! Lips. Bam! Eyelashes. Oh, and let's not forget that cute little upturned nose. Yeah, she's got that whole "I-just-walked-out-of-a-magazine" look going on. Gorgeous doesn't even cut it. And guess what? I'm not the only one who's noticed.

Naturally, I hit her with my signature sass. "Well, if that's what ugly looks like, I guess there's no hope for the rest of us." Cue my very dramatic pout.

She laughs. "I never said I was ugly."

Banner—poor Banner, still picking his jaw off the floor—decides to chime in. "Then why didn't you take the mask off sooner?"

And her response? Pure gold. "Because now, whenever you people think of me, you won't remember how I saved people's lives, or how I helped Stark upgrade Jarvis. All you'll think about is how pretty I am."

Oof. She looks kind of sad saying that. But c'mon. The whole "Oh no, I'm too beautiful to be taken seriously" thing? Sounds a bit much to me. Though, gotta admit, she's got a point. From now on, I'm gonna remember that face. And the fact that she almost got undressed in front of a room full of superheroes. Bold move.

And hey, now that I've seen her... and she's roughly my age... that changes everything. Folks, listen up. New mission: seduce this woman. Game on.