One-shot's: Deadpool x Reader

Well, little buddy, buckle up because I'm about to drop some epic knowledge bombs about how I met your mother. Yep, I know—hard to believe there was a time when I didn't know her. Honestly, I'd rather not revisit that pre-mommy era... it was like being stuck in a B horror flick: all dark, dreary, and full of bad decisions. But trust me, there are some things your tiny brain just isn't ready to handle. If I spilled the beans, your mom would definitely toss me onto the couch for eternity. So, let's cut to the chase!

Seven years ago, by one of those freaky cosmic coincidences, your old man ended up working with the X-Men. Yeah, I can hear your brain short-circuiting: "No way! My dad is everything they're not—funny, charming, while those rule-following bozos are as exciting as watching paint dry!" But life's a wild ride, and one day a mysterious agent twisted my arm into joining their ranks. Best. Decision. Ever. Because that's where I met your absolutely incredible mom. She was the hottest piece of awesome on the squad! Strong, fearless, and armed with a sense of humor that could knock you flat. The moment we teamed up on our first mission, I just knew I'd marry her. But—plot twist!—she had a fiancé.

Can you believe it? Your mom was this close to tying the knot with a total loser named Pietro. Yeah, that's right—another wannabe superhero who thinks saving the world is more important than spending time with his amazing girlfriend (newsflash: it's not!). Dude was always gallivanting off to other states, which meant I had a clear runway to swoop in and steal her heart. So, when my last mission wrapped up, I made the brilliant decision to crash at the X-Men's mansion. Why? Oh, just needed a killer excuse to be closer to your mom! But let me tell you, your Uncle Colossus had his protective radar cranked up to eleven. He could smell my intentions from a galaxy away and decided it was his personal mission to make my life a living hell. Before I knew it, the whole X-Men crew turned into my frenemies just because I had those "love" eyes. 

But then, one fateful day, your mom came home crying. You should've seen me—I was like a pressure cooker about to blow, ready to take down anyone in my path. But when she spilled the beans about why she was all teary-eyed, I nearly broke out into a Broadway dance number in the rain. Turns out, that Pietro jerk dumped her! Seriously, someone should give him an award for "World's Biggest Asshole." His loss, my win! I spent the whole night listening to her pour her heart out, trying to piece together the shattered remains of her love life. And yes, that was the first night we "slept together." But before you get all mushy and start thinking of the birds and the bees, let me clarify: your mom literally fell asleep on top of me. I didn't have the heart to move her, so there I was, stuck under her like a human mattress. And then? Oh, boy, did they wake me up in the worst way possible: with the X-Men yelling that your mom had given me... a "smooch" down there! Can you believe that? They tried to pry us apart, and for weeks, it was like a soap opera with more drama than an episode of The Crown. We'd sneak off like a couple of hormonal teens, whispering sweet nothings while still being "just friends." Ridiculous, right?

Now, I can hear your brain whirring: "Dad, why didn't you just ask her out after she got dumped by that jerk?" Believe me, I tried to be all gentlemanly, but spoiler alert: GIANT MISTAKE. Within a month, she was back with that creep! I know, right? We fought. I told her he didn't deserve her, that she was about to make the mistake of the century by not picking me. And in a moment of pure emotional stupidity, I dropped my heart bomb on her, confessing my feelings without even thinking. Classic Deadpool move, huh? That just pushed us further apart. So, I packed my bags and skedaddled out of Mansion X, back to my apartment, where I thought I'd be living the bachelor dream forever. But not quite.

One night, your mom knocked on my door. And guess what? She straight-up asked me out! Turns out my moment of honesty had her thinking, "Hey, this guy isn't half bad." Me? I was over the moon, like winning the lottery and getting a unicorn on the same day! I even scrubbed myself clean for our dinner date—yep, took a bath and everything! And after a whopping fourteen dates—yeah, you heard me, FOURTEEN—your mom was really playing hard to get. But eventually, we were officially dating!

Now, here's where any other couple would toss in a cliché like "and lived happily ever after." But not us, oh no! Fast forward a year into our bliss, and a grumpy alien decides Earth needs a serious spring cleaning and wipes out half the population. Don't worry, little Wade! I mean, yeah, those five years were hell on Earth, especially for me, since your mom got zapped into oblivion during all that madness (hence our seven years of age difference, despite what our birth certificates say). Let's just say I was swimming in a pool of darkness that I'd rather not dive into right now. But don't fret! Dad's doing just fine! The important thing to remember is that there are bad guys out there who might try to mess with your old man. But I've got a superhero army backing me up! We took down those baddies and—wait for it—brought your mom back to life! 

So, I popped the big question: "Hey, will you marry me?" And she shot back with a firm, "NO!" Yeah, you heard me right, champ. I mean, she loved me and all, but marriage? Nah, she was totally cool with living in sin! And I was like, "Cool, as long as I get to spend forever with you." So, I pulled a little heist—I mean, "bought" a house—and we moved in together. Fast forward two years of pure bliss, your mom starts feeling all kinds of awful. Off to the doc we go. Cue the dramatic music because that's when things went south. They thought your mom had a tumor. Now, don't freak out—your dad had a run-in with cancer too, but hey, I survived and I'm basically immortal. But back to the panic! Tests flying everywhere, worry stacking up like bad nachos. I dragged her to the best doctors in the universe until someone finally had the brilliant idea to do an ultrasound on her belly. And guess what? Surprise! Your mom was six months pregnant. No baby bump? Nope. No missed periods? Nope. And you, little ninja? You were a total ghost on all those tests. The reveal? Epic. We saw you on that screen, and let me tell you, you were even smaller than you are now. It was a tearjerker. I'm talking about a certain delicate flower sobbing like a baby, and your mom? She was right there crying too.

From that moment on, we went absolutely bananas creating a list of shenanigans we wanted to pull off before your grand entrance. Yep, you guessed it! We whipped up a list and dove headfirst into decorating your room like it was an episode of Extreme Makeover: Baby Edition. The instant we saw that first ultrasound and discovered you were a boy, I knew you were destined to be the king of warriors. So, what did I do? I decked your room out with swords, axes, and all kinds of badass decorative weaponry. But your mom, in her infinite wisdom decided that wasn't quite right for you. So, poof! Out went the weapons, and in came adorable little elephants and fluffy clouds. Sorry, champ, but I fought the good fight!

Now, fast forward to when you were seven months snug in mommy's belly. Out of the blue, she drops the bomb that she wants to marry me so you can grow up in the family you totally deserve. Naturally, we decided to elope to Vegas because, let's face it, who doesn't love a spontaneous trip to Sin City? But guess who crashed the party? Colossus, the ultimate party pooper, swoops in and drags us to a chapel for a ceremony hosted by the X-Men. That's right—because in this wacky universe, superheroes moonlight as wedding planners. We had a blast with our closest friends, and it was just perfect. Now, I could spill the beans about the honeymoon... but I'd probably have to scrub your ears clean! Let's just say it was out of this world. I was almost convinced I'd made you a little brother already. But before we could high-five each other and head home, your mom started having contractions.

I've never been so excited I almost made a little puddles in my pants! After 12 hours of labor and a hand that looks like it got into a fistfight with a blender, I finally heard your glorious wail for the first time. Just like your daddy, you wanted to hang out in your mommy's cozy little cave. I get it, little dude, I totally get it!

"What the hell are you telling our son?"

Whoa! Looks like Mommy's finally awake!

"Nothing, sweetheart. Just sharing the saga of how we met."

Mom arches an eyebrow at me, like I'm decked out in a tutu and a unicorn horn.

"Wade, he's two hours old. Cut him some slack."

"Okay, okay..."

And that, kiddo, is how I met your bossy but amazing mother!