YOU'RE GONNA GO FAR - MIRACULOUS

CHAPTER FIVE

"what about your promise, noir?"

well, i got drunk and shut you down

adrien sat in the comforting silence of his room as music came through his headphones, the words of Conan Gray burning his ears as he tried his hardest to not focus on the meaning of the lyrics. he anxiously tapped his pen against the sheet of paper in front him, biting the inside of his cheek as he blankly stared down at it. he had read the directions more than four times at this point, but it was as if the words were all jumbled up and his brain just couldn't focus. he let out a sigh through his teeth, dropping the pen and grabbing the hair near his neck, tugging at it as he tried to convince his brain to just cooperate and listen to him; because that would make everybody's lives a whole lot easier. chloe had came over last night to drop off his missing work from school since he hadn't felt up to it in, well... a while, actually. it was as if even the mere thought of school was enough to cause adrien's body to feel so heavy to the point he couldn't even stand up, and he hated it. school used to be the easiest task, and now he couldn't even bring himself to go?

he was brought out of his trance when he felt plagg comfortingly nuzzling his cheek, and adrien whimpered at the feeling before scooping up the creature into his hands and gazing down at him. plagg offered him a soft smile as adrien set him down on his desk, thankful to have a distraction before he could rip his hair out. he paused the song that was blasting in his ears, taking out his earbuds.

"cmon, kid, i thought you liked science?" plagg hummed curiously now that adrien could hear him, and he used his body to push the pen in the direction of adrien's hand.

"i do, i do..." adrien began, picking up the pen and twirling it between his fingers, "i just cant think right now."

"just do it another time. school sucks, anyway." plagg grinned, floating over to his cheese pile and taking one off the top. "who needs school when you're a superhero?"

"i don't feel very... superhero-ey right now." adrien muttered, swallowing and forcing himself to not look at plagg, instead staring intensely at his science homework.

if he was being honest, he felt just a little bit better. which made him ultimately feel worse. just last week he had gone insane and tried to...

he honestly couldn't even force himself to think the words. he hated it. he hated himself and all of his stupid, stupid thoughts. he hated how he couldn't even deal with his own mind. how he couldn't deal with his feelings. how the moment he became sad he just decided to fucking chug an entire bottle of pills. who in their right mind did that? he was so pathetic.

he felt worse because how could he try to do that and then a week later act like he was fine? as if his sadness wasn't even real; as if it was all a stupid game. he wanted to feel better, he wanted this to all be over and to go back to his usual happy self. but a certain piece of his mind just wouldn't allow that, would it? convincing himself that if he could get over those feelings in such little time then they were never real in the first place. and if they were never real, then he tried to do that to himself because he was selfish. he was a selfish coward who was willingly about to leave everybody in his life because he was pathetic and seeking attention. attention for what, exactly? he didn't have the answer to that question. maybe attention from his father. like the only way he could convince his father he even had an ounce of sadness inside of him was being dead. how much blood, how many tears, how many days of never getting up, how many pills, how many psychiatrists? how much would it take to finally show his dad he wasn't okay?