Sana smiled sadly. "I wish I was. But I'm stained with sin."
Stained with sin.
Dax couldn't recall how many times he'd thought the same thing about himself. It was unsettling to hear Sana describe herself with the words. "What do you mean?"
"Can you keep holding me? I like being held by you," she said, a hint of pink on her cheeks. It was the first time she was acting all shy around him and she looked beautiful.
Dax didn't hesitate. He stepped forward and gathered her in his arms, tucking her under his chin and holding her to his chest. She clutched his back, her little nails drawing crescents on his skin. Dax couldn't stop wondering how perfectly she fit in his arms. It was a dangerous thought; he didn't want to spend too much time lingering on it.
"I told you about the time at the orphanage, right?" she began.
"Yes."
"You'd think a bunch of orphaned kids would stick close, find family and friendships among each other but it wasn't like that. Everyone there knew the people around were temporary--- some were adopted, some died of sickness, some went crazy. We grew up learning how to be untethered to human connection even though that is all we craved. I was particularly lonely. There was this one boy, a couple years older to me, who was friendly with me. I called him my anna and began to depend on him. We were always together. One day he fell sick. Some kind of flu. He was kept in the infirmary, secluded so that the others don't catch the bug. I—I—"
Dax noticed the catch in her voice. Her throat clogging, words struggling to form shape. He let her take her time.
"I was the only one with him. I told you that some boys went crazy, right? Because of the drug experiments?"
Dax nodded. "I remember."
"There was an older boy, much older than the two of us. He came into the infirmary, asking me if I could do something to help his headache. He was clutching his head so tightly. Before I was trusted by the nurse, I used to steal medicines from the room to give the others. So, they always asked me for help. I was searching for the medicine when I heard a shriek come from behind me. The boy had attacked my friend who had been sleeping. He was choking him, crushing his windpipe with his bare hands. I didn't know what came over me. I panicked. I lost all reason. Now, that I think, I should've screamed for help. Or tackled him to the side. But I saw a pair of scissors next to me. And—I—I—"
"You stabbed him," Dax said calmly. Sana trembled in his arms. He held her tighter. "It's fine. It was self-defence. You saved your friend."
"No, that's the thing. My friend killed himself a week later. He was already doing poorly and he was so traumatised by the incident. He kept going on and on about the look in the boy's eyes as he strangled him and I didn't take it seriously. He took his own life, Dax," she said, bringing her fingers to her face to discreetly wipe away the tears.
"It was me who killed the boy. It was me who took a person's life. My friend was the victim but he was so troubled by what happened that he killed himself. But me? I was completely okay. The orphanage covered the incident up to save their reputation. I wasn't punished for what I had done. After my friend passed away, all I thought was it was me who should've died. I thought if no one was going to hold me accountable, I should punish myself. I didn't deserve to live," Sana said. "And I tried. I tried to take my life but I couldn't. Turns out I really, really wanted to live. How sick is that?"
"That's not sick. It's human nature. We all want to survive. You were strong enough to handle the aftermath of the incident but your friend was not. It overwhelmed him and he took his life thinking it's the only way out. But you saw many other ways to deal with it. You studied, you made a life for yourself, you built a relationship with your father and you found happiness. You persevered through it. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Dax said.
"My hands--- I was a teenager when I took a life, Dax. And my hands never once shook while I did it. They were so steady. It scares me the most of what I might be capable of. Of a dark side I might have."
"That doesn't say anything about you as a person. To me, you'll always be a good person, Red." Because you shine brighter than I ever will. And if your hands are stained with sin, my soul is drenched in it.
Sana pulled away and looked at him. "To me, you'll always be a good person too, Dax."
He let out a weak laugh. "You don't know anything about me or what I do."
She squeezed his shoulder. "Then, tell me, dammit."
"Not today."
"Then perhaps one day?" She asked hopefully.
Was he really going to do this? Let himself cling to her for hope and warmth when all he could offer her were the broken fragments of his soul? Was it worth it to drag her into his life or was he being too selfish? Is he better off being alone?
"Dax," she said, cupping his jaw. "I don't know what you're thinking and if you think I might judge you or run away from you after you tell me your story, I won't. I promise you. For the past month or so, you've grown familiar to me. I watched you show up every day, waited for you every day, hoped to see you even though you frustrated me so much. Ans slowly you became more than familiar to me, Dax. When I watched you walk in with blood, I was pissed that you stained my chairs but I was more pissed that you hurt yourself. And last night--- I couldn't. My heart shattered when I saw you bleeding out. That's when I realised how much I cared for you. How much I longed for you. I realised you mean a lot to me than a customer who stopped by my shop. You mean much more than anyone else, Dax."
It was the first time he heard such tender words from a person apart from his sister. It affected him. Did something to his heart. He didn't know how to respond to her words. It was too genuine, too raw, too real for him to handle. "Why are you telling me this?" he whispered.
"Because I want you to know I'm not playing games here. I want us to happen. I want you."
"Red---"
"It will happen," she said firmly, her eyes like steel. "So, you better start trusting me and open up to me. Let me inside your walls. I want to see the real you. I want to fall in love with the real you, no matter how broken you think you are."
"Stop," Dax said, trying to remove himself from her grip. She held his face tighter. "Stop it, Red."
"Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"I don't know how to react to what you're saying! It's new to me. I've never—never had---"
"Then, you better get used to it. I'm sure an arrogant man like you is capable of it." She tilted her head, as if in challenge. "Or are you not?"
"Don't test me."
"Isn't that why you like me?"
No, I like you because you're beautiful, kind, caring and brave. You're cool water and I'm a withering flower. You're a warm lantern in my land of dead nights. You're hope, Red. Hope I thought I had to reject. That I didn't deserve.
Sana wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his chest. "Please let me in, Dax."
All he could do was hug her back.
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note: the next chapters are available on scrollstack. if you're a bit curious and can't wait a whole week to know what happens next, head over there! you can access it with the link in my bio :)
