Newt Imagines (The Maze Runner)

It's easy to be quiet in the mornings when it doesn't matter. Simple days are for simple words, fading phrases, and long spells of silence. On days like today, though, after nights like last night, silence feels like the only option. No one can meet each other's gaze. And no one wants to talk when they can still hear the echoes of Ben's last desperate scream echoing in their mind.

You feel a certain kind of restlessness when you've killed your friend. It gnaws at you like mad. Like how Ben was mad until you shoved him in the Maze and let him die. You can't stop thinking about it, turning over that awful moment in your head again and again, unable to let the wound close in peace. He'd begged you to let him live, all of you, again and again until he was already half inside the Doors and knew it was over. You've known him for months. Many knew him longer still, yet all of you are complicit.

This is the Maze, after all. This is where you're all born again with no memories and hardly even a name, and this is where half of you die. Stephen, cut in half after trying to climb down the Box Hole. Nick, his grave just barely green over with moss. And now Ben, hair like corn silk, who ran too far too fast, dead before he got to twenty. You'll be there soon, maybe. You and Newt and everyone you've ever cared about. The Maze is where scientists kill the kids they raised. Birds kicked from the nest. Someone's smoothing out your feathers now and readying you for the plunge, but all you can do is stare at the empty place among the straw and twigs where one of you had been just seconds before.

You're staring at the walls of the Maze, lying flat on your stomach in the grass. There's a stone jutting uncomfortably into your left elbow, but your chin's resting on top of your laced fingertips and you're not sure you have the strength to keep yourself from falling into the dirt while you push the smooth rock away. You wonder if Ben ever kicked that stone, if he ever tripped over it on his jog into the Maze and out again. You wonder if he stayed by the Doors when he died, or if he tried to run his old routes one last time, operating on instinct alone.

A shadow passes in front of you, darkening the pear green knives into something like the needles of the pine trees. A boy comes with the shadow, free of charge, and he slumps down next to you, pausing briefly to slide the stone away from your left elbow before lying down on his back. You turn your head, placing your right cheek on your interlaced fingers to stare at him.

Newt has always been beautiful in the sunlight. Even now, in this uncertain gray somewhere between overcast and clear skies, his eyes catch the faint bars of sunshine and turn from brown to gold. With a pang of agony deep between your ribs, it reminds you of the blond crown of Ben's hair. You wonder if his eyes will ever shatter scarlet like Ben's temples did too, at the end, when he hurt himself so badly he never came back, and your eyelids flinch shut to stop yourself from seeing it.

When you manage to open your eyes again, a cloud has passed over the sun, coaxing Newt's eyes back to a woody brown, and it's okay to look at him again. He's looking at you too now, the lines on his face deepening with regret. You're mirrors, the two of you, perfect pictures of guilt and misery reflecting back again and again until you're certain you're going to dissolve into each other for good.

"It's not your fault," Newt whispers. His throat is dry, and his voice cracks on most words.

"It's not your fault either," you murmur back. "Not Minho's, not Alby's. These things happen."

Newt's lips press together, and you know he's going through the same swoops of grief as he remembers every Glader you've lost over the past few years.

"You know, I remember when he just started out as a Runner," Newt says quietly. "Stupid shank. He was terrible at directions but he tried so damn hard that he actually fixed his own shuck memory. You should have seen him smile the first time he got a route right without one of us having to correct him. Could have powered the sun."

He sighs, a sob trapped in the sound. To distract him, you ask, "Why'd you let him stay on as a Runner if he kept getting lost? Wouldn't it be dangerous?"

Newt looks up at the sky, remembering. "We didn't have many Runners in the early days. We had to take what we could get. Besides, Nick was dead set that it was better for morale if people weren't letting the Runners quit so soon. He was early in his days as first-in-command, so we wanted to believe him. Ben got better anyway. Soon he was just as good as any of us."

Newt's voice trails off a little, and you know him well enough to guess what he's thinking– if they had switched Ben out anyway, maybe he wouldn't have been in the Maze, maybe he wouldn't have gotten Stung, and maybe he wouldn't have tried to kill Thomas. Maybe he wouldn't have been Exiled. Maybe he'd still be here, and you wouldn't be lying here trying to suppress this invisible wound bleeding out both of you without spilling a single drop of blood.

"It's not your fault," you repeat.

"It's no one's fault," Newt says listlessly. "That's official protocol for when someone gets exiled, you know. Nick made that klunk up too. Said people knew the rules, so if they broke 'em, it was on their shoulders, not ours."

"Doesn't explain why I feel like I should have saved him, though," you mutter.

Newt nods in agreement, expression tired. "We're going to get through this," he says dully. "Same way we got through every other friend we lost. We're going to pick ourselves up and we're going to move on. We'll stop thinking about him."

"No, we won't," you say, and continue before Newt can interrupt. "We're never going to forget Ben, and it would be awful not to. We're just going to stop feeling guilty, that's all. We'll think about Ben as Ben, not how he was after he got stung."

"Is that fair to Ben?" Newt asks. "If we ignore what happened to him? I'd be mad, I think. Feels like we're cheating."

You let out a long breath. "When you think about Ben, what comes to mind? Your gut instinct, I mean. Not the first awful thing about the Doors shutting on him, but what Ben really is to you. Is it the thing we had to strap to the bed in the Med-Jack hut when he was so strung out that he was hardly human at all? Or is it the shuck kid who kept making too many left turns and followed you and Minho everywhere?"

Newt closes his eyes, half in agony, like he's begging for strength from someone who isn't listening. "Runner Ben. Not him when he was sick. That's Ben to me."

"Exactly," you say. "That's our Ben. That's what matters. He wasn't Ben at the end. Ben would never hurt us."

And Ben would never beg for you to save him. He would never look at the Maze like a bad dog, terrified, and he would never stand there for so long once he was past the Doors, as if he had forgotten the way again.

Newt reaches out and takes your hand, gripping your fingers almost painfully, his eyes still squeezed shut. "Promise me, Y/N. If something happens, if I get stung or if I– if I– again– Tell me you'll do the same for me. You'll remember me as me."

You choke back a sob. "Nothing's going to happen, Newt."

He squeezes your hand again, insistent. "You heard Ben. He was saying all kinds of stuff, saying the world out there was terrible. If it does, you have to promise– you have to promise–"

He's manic and terrified in a way that shocks you. Newt is the calm one, always has been, except that one time that terrified you just as bad as this. If he isn't in control, then you'll have be that for him.

"I promise," you say as calmly as you can. "You'll always be my Newt. Always."

He relaxes suddenly in your grasp, still as death. "Okay."

"Okay," you repeat.

He pulls you close to him, your head tucked against his collarbone, heart to heart and rib to rib. The sun warms you both, dappling skin and hair and clothes. It's going to be a while until you stop hearing Ben's last scream when you're locked in sleep. It's going to be a while before you remember how to go about living like usual again. If there's one comfort in all of this, at least, it's that you won't be alone. With Newt, you never will be.