How Not To Be A Groupie

"Shit, you look rough."

I turned my head slowly to look at the man in the apron. My expression told him I was not to be messed with. After Stelle left without saying goodbye I took myself to a small diner down the road for some breakfast. Now that the man set it on the table in front of me, I didn't want it. 

"You gonna eat?" 

Sighing, I looked down at my plate. Steaming scrambled eggs and a tiny piece of burnt toast. My hand shook as I reached for the cup of black coffee that was already growing cold. 

"Buck fifty," the man said. "Unless you want dessert."

I dropped a bit of money on the table and watched the man leave after scooping it up. Setting my cup down, I pushed my plate aside and crossed my arms, letting my head fall on the table. A horrible night with little sleep and nowhere to go. This little trip was turning out worse by the minute. Stelle would be at the airport by now, willing herself not to lose it in front of anyone. Maybe at one of the telephones calling the hospital to see if they had any news about her mother. Or maybe she had already boarded the plane and was keeping herself busy with a complimentary magazine.

Rain continued to drown the town. Early this morning the storm had passed but the pelting rain stayed behind. Tears ran down the window and threatened to run down my face. Something was gnawing at me, something I couldn't put a name to. Guilt? Grief? Maybe a mixture of both. 

I held no resentment toward Stelle for leaving so suddenly. I couldn't blame her for wanting to get out of Australia as quick as possible. Who knew what condition her mother was in by now? But I couldn't help but feel I did something wrong to warrant a parting like that. Sending me away to the bathroom only to leave without another word.....I sat up and shook my head of the thought. Maybe she wasn't one for sappy goodbyes. Maybe her mind was too occupied at the minute; maybe she had intended to stay for breakfast and took off at the last minute. Whatever the reason, it wasn't her fault. 

I just hoped it wasn't my fault either. 

Managing to eat some of the eggs and leaving the burnt toast behind, I stood from the table and left the diner, the bell ringing above the door. Avoiding pedestrians and their umbrellas and crossing the street, I took off. Sitting around was only giving me more time to think. I didn't want to think, I had to get moving. Take my mind off things.

I looked a sorry sight in the Sydney streets. My frizzy hair stuck to my cheeks and my clothes were haphazardly picked that morning. Puffy though my eyes were, that didn't compare to the dark circles underneath them. Luckily there weren't many people out that Thursday morning and I avoided some stares. Thursday, or Friday? I couldn't remember anymore. I had been away too long. Endlessly wandering my way through the weeks. Ending up in different places many nights. Hardly having a home to come back to. Soon enough I'd have no home at all. It was only a matter of time before Stelle's office was notified of her departure. But I couldn't bring myself to care at the minute. My free time was spent feeling sorry for myself and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I do something productive and get my mind off things? Walking was getting me nowhere. I needed to settle on a place. 

The place I settled on was the shittiest place I could find. With no one around, it was perfect. Any sane person would have turned around and found something else but I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind at the moment. Crouching behind the blue dumpster hidden from passing strangers' sights, I picked up a broken piece of chalk that had rolled under the garbage and began to draw. Someone had already been here before me and their drawings remained unfinished on the dumpster. Curse words and flames and a pink wad of gum with teeth marks embedded in it. I grimaced and avoided touching it as I sketched. Surely hiding away from the world and focusing on drawing would take my mind off things.