Rants, Poems and Randomness

so yeah. a rant. you can comment, if you want to. but this isn't me asking for advice, or pity, or anything. i'm just trying to let off some steam, i guess. several years worth. so it's a long one. probably gonna delete this in a couple of days, i don't think i want this out for everyone to see for that long—

TW: mentions of depression, sh, and attempted suicide (i'm not in any danger right now. i'm talking about the past in most of this)

i was invited to a birthday party this weekend. my friend's 17. we'll call her MJ, those are her initials. i've known her since i was born. we're less than a year apart. our moms are best friends, and up until a couple of years ago so were we.

i had my own party last weekend. i invited her, and her brother (CJ), and it was great. she didn't know all of the people there, since we go to different schools, but my friends talked to her and i talked to her and we had some good conversations and i asked if she wanted to play the games we were playing (although she said no to every one). and it was nice, we hadn't talked a lot in the past several months and i was starting to miss her, so i was happy and i was hoping it would be a segway into hanging out more often.

so this weekend, today, was her party. she was inviting her own friends from school, and i was kind of excited. i thought i was going to be able to get to know her friends, to be able to finally integrate myself into the group she had made for herself at her school. i was wrong.

i got there at the time she told me to get there. hours after her other friends had gotten there. and by the time i had gotten to her house, every single one of them (except for their designated driver, her boyfriend) was fucked beyond belief. they had been drinking, getting high, taking shit, for hours. while 30 of MJ's family members were in the house for her birthday. i had no clue she was like this, she is one of the last people i would ever even expect to get into this stuff. but here she was, with half of her friends unable to look around without crossing their eyes and unable to walk in a straight line, hitting a vape in the downstairs bathroom every chance they got and still drinking when the adults weren't looking.

she said hi to me, introduced me to everyone. and then didn't talk to me again. so i was there with people i didn't know, had never met, throwing slurs left and right, getting even more wasted than they already were.

i spent the whole party with her brother, CJ, and my brother, playing a game in his room where we could only hear their drunk muffled screaming.

but maybe there's a reason i never expected her to do this, any of it. because this kid was my absolute idol. i didn't look up to a family member, a parent, a celebrity. i looked up to her.

we were attached at the hip as kids, we did literally everything together, i basically lived at her house. i still have old drawings and secret languages and worlds we had made up together stored away. i had an imagination as a child, so did she, we had made up escapes that we pretended to travel into, that we thought were real until we were 10 years old. a damn long time to believe in magic and fairytales.

she could tell me anything and i'd believe it. anything she said to me was truth. i would do anything for her, and i honestly thought she'd do the same for me. looking back, i doubt it.

because i always had to plan things. i had to invite her over or we wouldn't hang out. i had to talk to her or we wouldn't talk. it's been like that for as long as i can remember, and it's bothered me for as long as i can remember, and as we got older it only got worse. but i still idolized her, it still took me until recently to realize everything.

when i was 10 years old my mom took up a job as a travel nurse, one month before covid hit. we traveled the country after selling our house, living in a motorhome as we moved to a new state every three months. i was devastated. i wouldn't see MJ for a year. i could text her, i could facetime her, it wasn't the same. for a year and a half we called every single day, we grieved over the fact that we couldn't be together. i developed depression and anxiety, and haven't gotten rid of either since.