The Love Hack

Arty

"Do you think that it might be hard for Jonah to live up to the expectations you've set?" I asked.

Ben looked at me, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"I don't think him passing school is an unreasonable expectation," Ben retorted.

"No, I meant," I surveyed him, choosing my next words carefully, "All of your teachers loved you. You were an athlete and on the honour roll."

Ben didn't respond, he just sat silently considering my words.

"I'm just speaking from my own experience. Not that I couldn't keep up academically with Sarah, but everyone had expectations of me being some talented musician because of her. I felt like a disappointment by just existing and having my own interests," I explained.

Sarah played in the jazz band. Sarah got a scholarship to study music. Sarah started performing professional gigs before she even finished high school. And me? I was so tone deaf that they gave me the bongos so they could pass me through the mandatory arts credit that I needed to graduate. Unsurprisingly, most songs don't require bongos.

Ben exhaled softly, leaning into the kitchen counter as he processed my words. "I get it," he said quietly, his gaze shifting to the floor before meeting mine again. "I wish he understood that it's not like this is my ideal life either. We are both just doing our best."

"I think he does, I think that's exactly the problem," I said.

Ben furrowed his brows, leaning away again, his fingers drumming softly against the counter. "What do you mean by that?"

I hesitated, unsure if I was crossing a line. But I felt like I had to say it. Because, although my experience was nothing like Jonah's, I knew what it was like to feel like a burden in Ben's life. And for Jonah, that was essentially a permanent label.

"I think maybe Jonah feels like he ruined your life," I said, keeping my voice soft and gentle.

"That's just ridiculous," Ben scoffed, "Our Dad died, that isn't his fault."

"You could have gone to university, but you stayed so that Jonah could finish high school here," I explained.

"I could still go to university, university isn't going anywhere," Ben replied, dismissively.

"Will you?" I probed.

Ben shrugged, as if the answer made no difference. But then his eyes flicked up to meet mine, sharp and defensive. And I knew that I had hit a pain point.

"What do you want me to say, Arty? Yes, I made sacrifices. But that doesn't mean I regret it," Ben snapped.

"I'm not saying you regret it," I replied, keeping my tone calm, "but maybe Jonah thinks you do. Maybe Jonah feels like he's the reason you had to give everything up."

"That's not on him," Ben said. I was beginning to sense us going in a circle.

"I know that, and you know that, but does Jonah know that? You do an amazing job of making sure that Jonah has everything he needs, but have you ever told him that you don't hold it against him?" I asked, and I braced myself because I knew I was inserting myself into a situation that I had no business being in, and I wasn't sure how Ben would react.

"I thought he knew," Ben said finally, his voice quieter now. "I didn't think I needed to say it."

One of many things that Ben apparently didn't think needed to be said.

Ben leaned against the counter again, his shoulders sagging as if the weight of the conversation was finally catching up to him. "Do you think I'm too hard on him?" Ben asked.