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"I'm not made for love"

The faint voice from a distance echoed the words from the person I loved

I was passing by the laboratories after submitting my project, but then I heard the unthinkable. I hid behind a wall, to hear the conversation, He was having with his friend

"Seriously Varun? Not made for love or aren't interested in love?" His friend Akshay says to him, standing at the place I see Varun daily, the cafeteria

"More or less, both mean the same" he says so casually as if the words meant nothing to him

"Girls flock around you like crazy, at least one of them must have caught your eye" Akshay says drinking his canned soda

Varun looked away for a while, seeming to think about the "list of girls" but sighed a somewhat disappointing sigh

"No" he says his face devoid of any emotions

I dip my head low, to find the stream of tears rushing down my cheeks, my vision getting blurred by the second

If he wasn't interested, then why did he gave me the lingering hope with his eyes that seemed to betray what venom he said with those lips

Hurt, confusion, rage....every raw and heart clenching emotion made an appearance, my heart dangerously clutched to the point it physically hurt

I wasn't hurt because he wasn't interested, but the hope,the rarest possibility for something more he showed daily....the head turns he made when I walked past him, the eyes which seemed to be lost crossed mine, reflected that he found his soul again

Was everything a facade? Was I wrong reading into the signs...or did they simply didn't exist??

I jolted upright from the horrid flashback, my breath fast and anxious, my hand placed on my chest to calm myself

I looked at my surroundings, my dorm, my bed, the night Breeze making its eerie appearance, and then I realised

I was recollecting the past memories during our 10th grade, the day he had the conversation that broke my heart into a million pieces

I took a sip from my tumbler, the icy cold water running past my lips doing nothing to ease my burning rage

The words he spoke weren't something which hurts you like an insult, but rather the simple "I don't care" kinda shit with a stone cold face, ripped my heart into shreds as if the "connection" we had was simply nothing

The memories of Holi 3 days back resurfaced and my head started to spin, I clutched my head in pain, seemingly frustrated by the "mixed signals" he shows

Once I feel noticed, the other completely forgotten and now a frustrating mix of hope and confusion

I pick up my phone to distract my thoughts and I see his notification lingering on my screen

He sent how "thankful and happy" he was when we both had our moment during Holi 2 days back and I reassured him with the same back then

But now seeing the message I didn't know what to feel, was he playing with me? Or was he changing?

Few days later

We were finally free from the atrocious semester exams which seemed the death of every one, few days back the university was crazy with festive vibes and now crazy with severe headache

But thankfully the management decided to give 4 days holidays after the exams and now our gang gathered for our daily meeting to discuss about what to do next

Sejal: "Who the hell gives such a tough paper in the first semester itself?"

Reyansh : "It wasn't that hard to be honest"

Nina rolls her eyes, being used to his "intelligence"

Dev : "Anyways, let's stop nagging and plan something, you know we can't go back to our homes in the span of 4 days....so why not plan a road trip??"

All our eyes snapped at him, and to be honest that sounded way too good to my ears

Satwik: "Road trip huh?....well we need to be careful with the kinda roads we decide to take for safety, and...."

And there goes Satwik with his endless list of  "safety precautions", he couldn't help it, it was his nature, careful about everything, listing about pros and cons when a decision is in question and we sometimes joke that he is the "father" of this group

Tarini: "Okay okay fine, we get it, but please plan as soon as possible or else I'll lose my god damn mind"

Varun: " Why don't we start now??, I mean it's just afternoon and I know a wonderful spot for stargazing"

My eyes widened, I felt exhilarating, way more than I cared to admit, it was my dream to watch the beauty the night sky held, to the point I made it noted in my bucket list

Something might have clicked in Nina's mind, and she immediately leaned in whispering into my ears

"Varun used your phone for the notes app the other day right? When he apologized after mistakenly opening another note on your phone? The time when his phone was switched off and he needed to note something important"

I remember that day vividly....at that time I didn't really care about him opening another note because the app only had my bucket list noted

I looked at her knowing what she was referring to

Nina knew about my bucket list I saved in my phone

I was already on cloud nine when I heard Varun talk about star gazing and now Nina specifically mentioning about the possibility he might be doing this for me......

Just then as if to confirm the statement, at the corner of my eye, I see Varun looking at me, as if he was hoping to see my reaction about the place he mentioned

Forget butterflies, I was experiencing a whole damn zoo inside me right now

I cleared my throat, obviously trying hard to contain my smile while Nina winked playfully at my direction making the condition worse

Nina : "Wow Varun, you always have such great ideas in your mind, gosh how thoughtful!!!"

Nina says exaggerating with an "impressed" look aiming to mock me more

But then I see Reyansh's eye twitch for a second looking away slightly pissed off

Dev: "Well then it's decided, guys let's make this trip memorable" he says already feeling excited by the whole situation

And just like that we made a detailed plan about the trip and I came to the conclusion...

The best was yet to come, and this was just the beginning