In Trench I'm Not Alone

Snap Necks

"But why does it feel like it happened to someone else?" Tyler asked weakly, the familiar feeling of nausea rising in his stomach.

Josh shrugged. "I couldn't say. We helped get you away from Nico, but we couldn't take you to camp, we didn't know if we could trust you. You would have made it to us on your own if Keons hadn't come and taken you back to Dema after a few days, but seeing the fight you put up made us realize that you really did just want to be free."

"Which is why you reached out to me?" Tyler asked quietly.

Josh nodded. "I'm sorry Ty, I would have told you this sooner but I thought you remembered it-"

"It's-" Tyler choked out, his breath catching violently in his throat. "No, it's fine. I- yeah. I'm gonna be back."

He stood quickly and stumbled out of the tent, into the pouring rain.

He heard Josh call his name, but he ignored it. There was a line of trees in front of him, just the beginning of a small grove, but it felt secluded enough for him.

Tyler ducked into it, water pouring into his eyes, soaking his clothes and weighing him down. Either from the run or from the realization that he had forgotten a huge moment in his life, his lungs fought for air, his breath coming so fast that he might have been crying. He wouldn't know even if he was, the rain was streaming down his face fast enough to clear any tears the second they spilled from his eyes.

If Josh and the other Banditos had just decided that they could trust him, he would have already been at the camp. He could have already risen to the role he was supposed to play. He could have spent years here, in the warm safety of the little tent village, instead of being used as propaganda.

But, he reasoned with himself, he had made it to the camp, very shortly after he had been taken back to Dema, as he had just learned. And even then, the Bishops had gotten him back. So maybe it had nothing to do with the Banditos.

There was the crunch of wet twigs behind him, but he had been expecting that.

"How can I just forget things like that?" He asked quietly, his words ragged and broken.

"A lot of bad things have happened, it's ok to not remember all of them," Josh said gently, he looked pained when Tyler turned to see him. "I can't remember everything either."

"I want to remember everything," Tyler cried. He wanted to hit himself for being so annoying, for being needy and whiny.

He reached his hand up, slightly taken aback when there wasn't any hair there for him to tug and pull on, so he retreated, slipping his fingers under his sleeve instead, digging his nails into his wrist.

"I-" Josh paused, pushing his wet hair that had plastered itself to his forehead away from his eyes. "Yeah, me too. But sometimes it's good to forget."

"Josh, I can't even remember it now, even though I know it was me! It looks like someone else, the back of someone else's head, it can't be me..." Tyler dropped to the soggy ground, sitting on his knees in the mud, his vision trained on the bark of a tree in front of him but not seeing it. "It's not me, Josh..."

Josh kneeled down next to him, gently holding the wrist of the hand that was digging into Tyler's skin. He was sure there was blood by now, but he didn't care enough to look.

"Don't hurt yourself, please," Josh said quietly. "I know this is a lot, but trust me, it was you. And you were amazing."

Tyler slowly released the pressure of his fingers on his wrist.

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone do what you've done, Tyler. You're such a beacon of light in so many people's eyes, I've seen it first hand."

Tyler shook his head, his eyes still unfocused. "Me? Even though I'm so-"