In Trench I'm Not Alone

Snap Necks

"People don't see that side, they only know you as Clancy, y'know? And anyway, I like the sensitive side of you, it proves you're human."

Tyler felt his lips turn up in a slight smile against his will, and he sighed, leaning sideways into Josh. "I guess so."

"Can we go back to the tents? I hate being out in this weather," Josh complained, clearly an attempt at getting Tyler to laugh.

"Yeah, let's go," Tyler said quietly, standing and holding his hand out to Josh.

As they walked back to the tent, the rain started letting up, now only mist.

"I just think it's odd," Tyler admitted, "because from what I can remember, that event wasn't even traumatizing or anything."

Josh shrugged, letting out an angry breath and pushing his hair out of his eyes again. "I dunno dude, I can't explain it."

"And if I can't remember that, what else am I forgetting?" Tyler asked anxiously, his stomach twisting uncomfortably at the thought.

"Hey, if you start asking questions like that, it's going to make me dredge up my own trauma and I would rather not," Josh muttered, his words joking but his voice serious.

"Sorry," Tyler said quickly. "Um, I think I'm gonna go to bed actually, goodnight!"

He turned away from Josh, heading to his own tent that was too far away from Josh's for his comfort level.

"Oh, um- ok, goodnight-" Josh sounded surprised, a hint of disappointment mixed in with his words, but Tyler didn't look back until he had his hand on the opening of his tent.

Josh was gone by now, surely getting changed out of his wet, muddy clothes in his tent, and Tyler had half a mind to do the same, but the rest of his mind wanted to keep him in his heavy, uncomfortable clothes because why should he deserve to be comfortable?

He ducked into the tent, zipping it up behind himself, sitting on the floor in front of the entrance so he wouldn't risk getting mud anywhere. His fingers found his wrist again, digging into the half-moon cuts that were already there.

So stupid, how could he be so stupid? This was now unrelated to how he had forgotten one of his first visits into Trench, this was now about how he spent all this time complaining and whining about his own life to Josh, when Josh had just as much going on. He never let Josh talk about his own issues, it was all about Tyler, Tyler, Tyler.

The urge to hit himself was resurfacing, but he was sure that Josh would notice the bruise and ask about it, so he stuck to making his wrist bleed with his nails.

Selfish, stupid, why was he like this?

He wanted to curl up and cry, but his body felt almost paralyzed, his stomach clenching and twisting painfully, his throat squeezing over his breath.

Stupid. Josh has had to deal with his problems for so long, and Tyler never even attempted to ask if he was ok. What was wrong with him?

He really hoped that Josh took him saying goodnight like that at face value and wasn't about to appear like he did in the tree grove, because Josh coming to comfort him a second time in less than ten minutes would be almost embarrassing. All it would do would be showcase how unstable he really was, how unfit he was to run a revolution.

Tyler found himself shaking his head violently, falling back on an old habit that he hadn't allowed himself to do in a long time. His skull hurt with how hard he had shook his head, but it was successful in keeping his tears in his eyes, distracting him with the pain.

He took a deep breath in, inhaling the words Josh had told him. My emotions make me human.

But despite holding onto this thought, he couldn't help but have a bad feeling that he was about to break, and at this point he really was starting to run out of excuses of why he was this way. He hated being so fragile, so broken.

His lungs expanded with a shuddering breath, trying to calm himself. It took a minute, but he was finally able to stand, the top of his head brushing against the roof of the tent just slightly. He peeled himself away from his soaked clothes, changing into a thick pair of pants and a sweater, a smile landing on his face from the relief of dry clothes.

Tyler dealt with his wet clothes, laying them out so they could dry, then let himself fall onto his cot. He felt a little bit better from changing, but now his sweater sleeve was already starting to stain slightly from the blood on his wrist. He would deal with that later, he decided.

Poor Josh, he found himself thinking as he closed his eyes, shutting out the dim light of the lanterns outside, I get annoyed at my mood swings, how does he willingly put up with this?

The last thoughts in his head before he drifted off to sleep were of how starting tomorrow, he was going to be the person Josh wanted him to be, and the person the Banditos needed him to be.