In Trench I'm Not Alone

Did I Disappoint You?

His first thought was to check Clancy's tent, but it was empty. Except for all the papers everywhere, pencils scattered across the ground, left haphazardly. So much writing, how was he always writing? Almost like he was afraid of running out of time.

Josh kneeled, his knees pressing into the hard ground that the plastic floor barely protected him from, picking up one of the papers, his eyebrows scrunching together as he tried to work out the words that were clearly written in a blind rush.

I'm all in, I'm surrounded, put my money where my mouth is, even though I'm past the point of no return.

Obviously the lyrics to a song, Josh hummed slightly, wondering where the rest of the song could be. He was tempted to look for it, but didn't want to misplace anything. Clancy was very strict with how he organized things, if something was on the floor, it was supposed to be there.

Josh carefully set the paper back down, and leaned over to grab another without moving from where he was kneeling, careful to not move anything else.

But I'd rather you not be here, for what could be my final form.

Did I disappoint you? Will they still let me over if I crossed the line?

Honestly, I thought I was fully prepared for the threshold in store.

Josh settled back into his heels, relaxing into a seated position as he examined the paper, his eyes glazing over the broken lyrics, scattered ideas of a song that he clearly wasn't supposed to see.

"Josh, what are you doing?"

Though Clancy's voice was gentle, not accusatory in any way, Josh still winced and quickly set the paper down. "Nothing, looking for you," he muttered without looking up.

"On the ground?" Clancy stepped around a notebook on the floor and bent, gathering up some of the loose papers. He crossed to the left side of the tent, dropping the papers on his cot before coming back to sit on the floor next to Josh.

"I got distracted," Josh shrugged, his eyes finding Clancy's sad ones.

Please don't let them see me, sure there's nothing left to try, I can feel the light shine on my face.

"Are you ok?" Clancy asked gently, and Josh winced. He should be the one asking that question, not the other way around.

"Yeah, of course. I was just... I dunno, I was worried about you, I guess," Josh admitted, shifting on the floor awkwardly, his knees starting to hurt from the cold ground.

"Worried about me?" Clancy sounded confused, blinking slightly as he processed.

I guess I never really faced my fears before. So stay with me because my body's on the line now.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok," Josh said quietly, looking away, his gaze flickering to the lyrics in front of him.

If I cross the line?

Clancy followed his gaze, his eyes widening when he saw what Josh was looking at. He grabbed the paper quickly, scrunching it up as his hand closed around it, moving to clutch it against his chest. "Why were you looking at that?"

Josh bit the inside of his lip, unsure if he should push more about Clancy's mental state. It would be helpful, probably, to know where he was at, so Josh could help and make him feel more secure about their mission, but he didn't want to hurt Clancy by pushing too far.

"Who would be disappointed in you, Clancy?" Josh kept his tone gentle, hoping he didn't sound like the written words didn't break his heart, but by the expression on Clancy's face it seemed that his heartbreak had made it into his voice.

"No one, nothing, don't-" He stammered, pressing the crumpled paper harder into his chest.

"You know it's ok to be scared, right?" Josh felt like every bit of air had been stolen from his chest. "I'm scared too, all the time. But..."

"Don't, Josh. Don't try to be sympathetic, I don't want sympathy," Clancy muttered, his eyes narrowing into a glare as he stared at the floor.

"But," Josh said forcefully, "you're not a disappointment, and I don't know what line you think you're going to cross, but I've seen you do some insanely hard things, and I think if anyone could get past whatever you're going through, it's you."

Clancy shook his head violently, so hard that it didn't seem like he was saying no, but something else. "Listen, listen, I just- I'm worried that whatever they did, the things I can't remember, will make it impossible for me to do what you want me to. I'll let you down..."

"You won't, you won't," Josh whispered, shaking his head, though not quite as violently as Clancy. "What you've already done is monumental, you don't even have to do any more if you don't want!"

"No, I want to, I really do, I just-"

"Clancy, come on dude, you're really gonna let them stop you just before we finish them off?"

"Well..." Clancy sighed.

"Come on, just a few more days. I got you, I promise. I won't let you cross any lines. We're going to do this, and once this is all over, you can deal with your emotions in any way you see fit," Josh paused. "AS LONG, as it's safe. Is that ok?"

Now it was Clancy's turn to bite his bottom lip, picking at his nails until he finally nodded.

Josh leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Clancy awkwardly, both from the position they were in, and because he was still unused to the feeling of actually being able to touch his friend. His memory of Clancy after he had been taken back to Dema the second time was so strange. Loose and almost not there, like water that he could hardly keep cupped in his hands. Someone else had lived his life while he stayed here with the Banditos, someone else had been Clancy's-Tyler's friend. A ghost of a life that he could barely hold on to. But now they were here, together, and being able to feel Clancy's shirt under his fingers made everything feel so much more real.

That part of him was real, everything he remembered from Dema and Voldsøy was real, and they had made it. Against all odds, they were here, together.

He heard the paper fall to Clancy's lap, felt his arms return the hug and the sigh that left his friend.

"We can do it," Josh promised.