Invisible String | Lovertation

February 4

It's been two weeks.

Two weeks of the same routine. Whiskey, a phone call, Jake showing up at my door, and then waking up the next morning with his arm slung over my waist before slipping out of bed and pretending the night before didn't happen.

We don't talk. Not really. We don't cuddle after, we don't text during the day, we don't meet up unless it's past midnight and I'm feeling empty enough to need something—someone—to fill the space inside me.

And it works.

Or at least, it was working.

Now? Now I just feel like shit.

I rub my temples as I sit in the waiting room at my therapist's office, my stomach turning in a way that isn't entirely from nerves. My head is fucking pounding. My whole body feels sluggish, like I haven't slept in weeks even though I know I have. And I've been eating so much. Like, to the point where I actually caught myself licking the plate the other night.

And it's not just that.

I've been off. Dizzy, nauseous, like there's this weird fog settled into my brain. It's probably the new meds—I just got adjusted to a higher dose a couple weeks ago, and I know that can fuck with my system—but still. It's annoying as hell.

"Reputation?"

I look up at the sound of my name. Ella is standing at the door, her usual soft smile in place, motioning me in.

I stand, pushing my nausea down, and follow her into her office.

"So, what's been going on?"

I sink into the couch across from her and let out a heavy sigh, rubbing a hand over my face.

"I've been..." I hesitate, glancing at her before shrugging. "Busy."

Ella lifts an eyebrow. "Busy?"

I exhale through my nose. "Yeah. Just... keeping myself occupied."

She hums. "And how, exactly, have you been doing that?"

I hesitate again, then give a half-smirk. "Been seeing Jake."

Ella's expression doesn't change, but I see the flicker of something in her eyes. I knew she was gonna say something about it.

"Seeing him how?" she asks.

I shrug, playing with the hem of my hoodie. "The same way I always do."

She doesn't look surprised.

"You've told me about Jake before," she says slowly, carefully. "And from what you've described, it doesn't sound like a very healthy dynamic for you."

I scoff, rolling my eyes. "Oh, come on."

"I'm serious, Rep," she says. "You use him as a distraction. You call him when you're feeling bad, he comes over, you hook up, and then you don't talk again until the next time you need him."

I bristle, sitting up straighter. "It's not like that."

Ella tilts her head. "Then what is it?"

My mouth opens. Then closes.

Because I don't have a fucking answer.

I look away, pressing my lips together, because the truth is—that is exactly what it is.

And I hate that she's right.

Ella watches me for a second, then sighs. "I just don't think it's helping you."