Invisible String | Lovertation

February 5

I wake up, the lingering weight of the night pressing down on me. My head feels fuzzy, and I can't tell if it's the meds or just my life in general. The alarm's blaring, but I hit snooze because I don't really give a shit. I'm not ready to face the day yet.

I drag myself out of bed eventually, slurring through my morning routine. The pills sit on the counter, still unopened from last night. I need them. I grab the bottle, pop the cap, and pour more than I should. More than yesterday. Maybe this time it'll work. I swallow them down, the familiar bitterness coating my throat, and then I head for the bathroom to splash some water on my face.

The reflection in the mirror isn't me anymore. It's someone else. Someone I don't even recognize. I wipe the water off my face, barely acknowledging the stranger staring back at me.

I get dressed, throw on some loose clothes, and head out the door, feeling the dull buzz of the pills already kicking in. It's barely a lift. More like a shove into autopilot. I get in the car, the drive feels like it takes forever, but I'm not really paying attention to the road.

Ella's waiting for me when I show up. Same as always. Same damn chair, same damn room. But today, she's looking at me differently, like she can see right through the layers I've stacked up.

"How are you today, Rep?" Her voice is soft, but I can hear the concern in it.

I sit down, trying to hold it together, but I'm already feeling the cracks in my facade. "Fine," I mutter.

"Really? You don't look fine."

I run a hand through my hair, already exhausted by the effort of pretending. "I'm fine, Ella. Really. Just tired."

She's not buying it, and she doesn't push. "How's Jake?" she asks, her eyes never leaving mine.

The mention of his name makes me shift uncomfortably. "It's fine," I say, like it's no big deal. But it's everything. "Same as it's always been."

"That doesn't sound like enough," she says. "Do you think it's healthy, what you're doing with him?"

I shift in my seat, trying to ignore the gnawing frustration building in my chest. "I don't know. I just need something right now."

"Is he giving you what you need, though?" Ella asks, not letting up. "Or are you just going through the motions?"

I bite my lip, trying to stay calm, but the words feel like they're tearing me apart. "It's not about him fixing me," I snap, sharper than I intend. "I don't need him to fix anything. I just need him to... be there."

Ella watches me closely. "But are you really there, Rep? For yourself? Or are you just using him to avoid everything else?"

I feel the anger flaring up, but it's not anger at her. It's at myself. "I'm not here to talk about Jake. I'm here because you're supposed to help me figure out how to survive this shit."

She pauses, and I can see she's carefully choosing her words. "I think you need to stop hiding behind distractions. You're pushing people away, Rep. Including yourself."

I don't respond. I can't. The words feel heavy, like they're going to crush me if I say them out loud.

"I think," Ella continues softly, "that you need to stop running. And maybe... just maybe, let someone in."

I let out a shaky breath, not wanting to think about that. Not wanting to feel what she's saying. "I don't know how to do that."

Ella leans forward, her eyes never leaving mine. "That's why I'm here. We can figure it out together."