Maple's Book of Randomness

Would you look at that I actually continued a topic for this book.

4-26-2025

I really don't like missing people.

Lacrosse season just ended (we got first rounded in the playoffs), and I swear the only times I cry are times like these when I know that these people I've made such a great bond with are now people I will likely never see again.

I won't get to laugh at their jokes, or watch them play, or eat lunch with them or anything like that. And it sucks. Bad. Hell, I'm crying right now just typing about it.

I'll still see a lot of the guys next year, I'm still a freshman, but those eight or so guys that are leaving after this year are irreplaceable. There's no way I could imagine the team without them.

On a different note, I also hate when I start to really overthink about things. Although I don't know if this is considered overthinking or just pondering.

I've really only had a "best friend" for four years of my life, and that was all in elementary school before he moved away. I have lots of friends now, and I'm grateful for them, but none of them I would consider "best friends."

I don't get to have that knowing look of an inside joke, or be able to rip on them and only have them smile in response to the teasing.

I kind of have this with that girl I was talking about in the previous journal, but we're "long distance" so I don't get as much time with her.

Because of this I'm scared that I'll lose my friends.

And because of that I'm a people pleaser around them. I'm always nice, always smiling or joining in on stupids bits/jokes. I usually will agree to do something even if I really don't want to do it.

I get really awkward when someone tells me to make a joke about someone that might hurt their feelings, which actually happened a few times this year with the lacrosse guys.

Finally, because all of that, I'm extremely worried that my friends seem me a clingy and desperate, or just plain annoying and just pretend to get along with me to not hurt my feelings.

My mom had something like that happen to her in high school, where she would hang out with a group of girls, and then one day they all said that the only reason they hung out with her is because they felt sorry for her, and wanted Good Samaritan points for popularity or something.

Nothing like that has actually happened to me, I just get scared about it. And I'm worried that they talk behind my back too. I know some of the lacrosse guys do, but that's probably because I'm just not very good. I'm fine didn't that. I'm more concerned with people talking behind my back about how I'm a weirdo or annoying or something like that.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.