If Only You Knew

Chapter 1 through 2

 It takes me a few minutes to calm down but when I finally do, the time is up. 45 minutes of therapy is over, and I won’t have to talk about what is going on until next week.

On the car ride home my dad is quiet. I don’t think he knows what just happened. And I hope he never finds out. He doesn’t know about that night, or that boy, or that party. I want to ask why my dad is so quiet, but I don’t want to seem weird so instead I text my friend, Lia, to tell her I’m on my way to school. Then, I turn on my music to prepare myself for five hours of pretending to be someone I’m not. Pretending to be happy. Pretending like he never did what he did. I have to be in three out of the six classes with him. I don’t want to see Leonardo today or any day. I already had a panic attack because of him, and I didn’t even have to see him. 

When I get to the school my dad says he loves me and he hopes I have a good day. He is only saying that because ever since he and my mom got a divorce he has been trying to be more ‘there for me.’ I know it’s just because he is trying to prove a point to her. So I shrug it off and go into the school. 

When I get into the office to get my pass, I see the school guidance counselor. I think she is cool, but she freaks me out sometimes. Her long red hair goes down just above where her ribs should end, and her bright green eyes stare into your soul. I give her a half-hearted smile and go to Mr. Gallagher’s English class. There, I have to see Leonardo. I can’t stand him. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. In class, I sit next to Eric Blanchard, my boyfriend, and Stephanie Schapp, an exchange student from The Netherlands. I feel safer knowing that Eric is next to me in class because if Leonardo tries to start crap or make me nervous or uncomfortable, he can help me on some level. But there will always be that fear. Eric doesn’t know anything about that night, and I don’t plan on telling him anything. I can’t even tell my therapist how I could tell him. I love Eric, but I don’t want him to feel angry, upset, or anything like that. If he knows, then that will be one more person. One more person who knows the worst thing about me. I am disgusted. I am dirty. I will never be clean again, no matter how hard or long I scrub. The worst part about it is I’m no longer pure. God won’t want me if I’m not pure. I sinned. 

Once I finally get to class I hand Mr. Gallagher my pass and sit down at my seat. I hug Eric, and he kisses my cheek.

“Open your books to page 102” Mr. Gallagher booms.  Sometimes it scares me how loud he is. Eric sees me jump a little.

“Are you okay? How was therapy? What’s wrong April?” It shocks me how he always knows when something is off. It also shocks me how worried he gets. It’s not that big of a deal. I look Eric in his eyes, which are the most beautiful things I have ever seen, and search for something to say.

“I’m fine. It was boring. He just scared me, it was- I wasn’t expecting it.” I say it, but it sounds off. 

“I love you,” I say it because I do mean it, but also because I know he knows something is off. I can feel his eyes on me searching for an answer that he isn’t going to get. I flip to the page Mr. Gallagher said to go to and try to think of something to say, something that wouldn’t seem weird.

“I was up late doing homework, I’m just really tired. Honestly, everything is okay.” Lately, nobody seems to believe me when I say I’m fine. I’ve gotten bad at lying about it. That’s what years of it had done to me though.

In class, I am very aware of everything going on. I can hear the clock ticking, the different breathing, and the people clicking their pens or tapping their pencils. Girls whispering about boys or other girls. They giggle when somebody messes up while reading. The bullying. I hate school. Not because of the teachers or the majority of the students. But because of the constant feeling of being on edge. The constant anxiety that comes with it. Before that night, the school still sucked and I would still get anxious, but it was never this bad. I wasn’t on edge every day.