If Only You Knew

Chapter 5

The unbearable feeling of loneliness

(9 days)

It’s 8 a.m. when I wake up. I smell Mom making eggs and bacon. Two things that on a regular day, under regular circumstances, I would never think about eating. I check my phone, and there are no notifications. Lately, I have noticed that nobody really wants to talk to me. Even before I broke up with Eric, he was the only one who texted me anyway. It feels like everybody is drifting away. The conversations are dry, and there is no emotion. Maybe it’s me, but I feel them wanting to just leave. I feel their hate bubbling inside, like they just want to run like their life depends on it. 

I hate the feeling of this. All of this. Every single ounce of it. I know it’s probably paranoia, but there is a side of me that wants to think that it’s not. I can’t wait for October 28th to come, because then I’ll be able to leave for good. I know this all sounds stupid. I know people are just going to think I was dramatic, or that I’m seeking attention, but this is all too much. Leonardo, my parents, myself, the thoughts. Every emotion that I have is unbearably intense. Like I feel that it’s all just going to explode at any moment. Once it does, it won't stop. I'm scared of everyone around me, and I’m scared of myself. So either way, I’ll always be scared. My life sucks, so fuck it. 

I have had to come to the most hard decision I will ever have to make. Keep living, and every single day be a living hell, nobody likes me, or wants me, or can even tolerate me or, kill myself, and go to hell? I’ll do the second one if it means I can take a break.

I check my phone again, and no notifications. I feel like even my closest friends just don't give a fuck about me anymore. Which hurts. I have always been there for them, and I will be until my time comes. They haven't even checked up on me. Which is kind of annoying. It’s as if they only want me around when they need me or when it benefits them. Otherwise, screw April, who cares about her anyways. I feel like there is something inside of me that is missing, and it can not be fixed, ever. It hurts. Not in an “I scraped my knee off the sidewalk” way, but in the “What is wrong with me?” “What am I doing wrong?” and “Who would even care if I left?” type of way. The thing that is the most annoying about all of this, whatever this is, is that I hate the feeling of abandonment. It’s one of my biggest fears. Because if nobody wants me, then there is nothing for me here. There is no way to be happy. 

Suicide is the only thing that can fix all of this. I know that if I went and told somebody all of this they would look at me with their head tilted, and call the mental hospital because I am “a danger to myself” but in reality, I am the least of my worries. If I want to die, let me. I’d rather it be me than some random fat man raping me, torturing me, killing me, and then preserving and eating my body. Suicide is better than that. Plus, no court is really needed. 

I feel empty. Like one of those chocolate bunnies, your mom used to get you for easter. But I’m not sweet, I'm bitter, angry, and bitter. That’s all I am right? The angry child in the classroom? The one that yells at teachers for being rude, and is deemed disrespectful because of it. The one that gets decent grades but will never be considered a decent student. But somehow gets along with the staff better than the students. The one who is always angry and complains about something. Only because it’s easy to think about the negative. But after so many horrible things continue to occur and how much pain it caused you it feels impossible to be positive. Somehow the one that despite all of the actions, and panic attacks is only known as the angry one. Because how could a teenager be depressed, right? The one that is rarely in trouble, but when she is it’s because of something stupid that had no point in it and was really just a ‘spur of the moment' type deal.

I am ready for it all to be over.