If Only You Knew

Chapter 7

Sent away

 (8 days)

When I was younger my dad told me that I should have fat friends because it would make me look prettier. I don’t know if that means that I need to have friends who are deemed ugly for anyone to think I’m pretty, or if it means I would look better if I hang out with people who don’t look “as good as I do.” 

…

I wake up in itchy green paper clothes. My arms have band aids that I don’t remember putting on. The room smells like a doctor's office but with a lot more bleach. I look around and there are slanted shelves on the wall, next to the bed I woke up on there is a small table. As I look across from me there is a girl sleeping in a bed identical to mine. She isn’t wearing the same green clothes as I am. There is a bathroom in the corner of the room and the door is magnetically on the wall. 

I hear keys  jingling in the distance and the clicking of shoes against the floor. It’s the only thing that I can hear because it’s dark and it seems everyone who is in whatever place this is, is sleeping. A look out the door and a woman is standing there, she has scrubs on and her hair is in a bun. In her hands she holds a tablet. 

“Oh you're awake. How are you feeling?” She walks over to me and grabs my arm. I now notice there is a bracelet with my name, my birthday and a barcode on it. I watch as she scans the bracelet. 

“Where am I? What's going on?”

“Well April, you are in Clementine Behavioral Health Center, you were sent here by police and it was clear when we were strip searching that you need help, both mentally,” she stops and holds my arm again, “and physically. Go back to sleep, I will be here again in 15 minutes to make sure all is well with both of you, and you will be woken up at 8am. Get some rest, it will be a long day for you tomorrow.” How the fuck did I end up in a mental hospital?

By the time I wake up, the girl who was once sleeping in her bed is now awake, sitting up and reading a book. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. Maybe, if I convince them I am fine then they will let me go home. They will medicate the fuck out of me, probably diagnose me with a thing or two but I will get out of here just in time to die. The girl looks up from her book and sees I am awake. 

“Oh, you’re awake. Hi, I’m Crystal! What is your name?” She talks a little too much and too happy to be put in a loony bin, but who am I to judge. I sit myself up so I can look at her. She has brown hair that falls just below her breasts. Her eyes are green and her face is full of freckles. 

“I am April.” I probably sound like a bitch, but I am just trying to remember last night. Why am I here? I never told anyone anything. My stomach hurts and it is too bright in here. 

“So April, why are you here? Besides using your arm as a cutting board.” What the fuck is wrong with her? What makes her feel the need to say that? She obviously saw my arm, is there someone who can give me something to cover it? What is going on? 

I stare at her for a few seconds before I can find any words to say. I can’t tell if she feels bad or is trying to look entertained but she sure as hell is way too patient. She looks to be around my age, maybe 14 but that is only a year younger than I am. 

“I don’t know why I am here.” My voice is quiet but before I can say anything else, a different lady comes in with the same tablet and similar clothes. Thinking about it now, I never got that ladies name but I guess it doesn’t matter. The new girl opens the door slowly. She scans the room and her eyes settle on me. 

“You must be April,” she smiles, “Welcome, I see you have met Crystal. She can help you meet everyone else. It is time to wake up and go to the main room, your blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen levels will be checked. After that, you will go to breakfast with everyone else. The therapist will call you sometime today.” Before I can say anything she leaves. Crystal gets up and walks out of the room. I follow behind her hoping she is going to the right place. 

When we get to the main room there are four adults wearing scrubs and about 12 people. The majority of them are girls but 4 are boys. Some of them look tired, some look fine, but we are all in here for about the same reason. People think we are crazy. Although, I don’t know what I did wrong or abnormal enough to make me crazy. Everyone gets in arguments with their parents. I don’t understand why the hell I have to be here. Everyone is sitting at tables, there are four tables total and people are split up sitting around them. Some of them are coloring, some of them are talking.

“April?” a voice calls. I look around and I see a girl in scrubs with a clipboard and a machine you would see at the doctors office. “Your turn” I walk over to the lady and she motions me to sit down. “You must be the new arrival. Doc says we have a lot to take care of for you.” She grabs my arm and notices my bloody bandaids. “We will have to get you some more. For now, I am going to take your blood pressure and check your heart rate and oxygen levels. When I am done, you can go to the nurses station and get new bandaids. They will also get you a piece of paper with questions, and be completely honest when you fill it out. There are crayons to use for it.” I nod and she does what she said she would. 

When I get up, I walk to the nurse station and ask for some bandaids. They take a look at my arm and decide I need them. Which is pretty obvious but they should just give someone a fucking bandaid when they ask for one. It isn’t a pretty hard concept. 

“We will give you some cream to help heal your wounds and some bandaids. How many do you think you will need?” I examine my arm and the cuts. There are a lot, but some are closer together than others. 

“Probably 15? Maybe 17.” To begin with there are already 25, but I can make it work. Not all of the bandaids need to be changed, just the ones that bleed through already. They give me some weird cream and tell me to hand them the empty wrapper. Then they give me 20 bandaids and watch me put the bandaids on. I have to give them those wrappers too. 

When I get back into the room, Crystal motions me to sit with her, another girl and one boy. They all smile and act politely. “Hi, I am Nancy and this is Oliver.” Oliver waves. “I am here because I got pregnant and tried to get an abortion. It didn’t go as planned though and I passed out from loss of blood. Positive note, no baby.” Why the hell does she sound so happy? She almost killed herself trying to kill a baby! Everyone seems so calm hearing this like it isn’t insane. Oliver just stares at the table. Is it going to be like this the whole time I am in this hellwhole?

By the time dinner hits, I have seen a psychiatrist, eating disorder therapist, and two other doctors of some sort. The funny thing is, they have no idea about my eating habits. They think I have one because of how I look. Which is the even funnier part because I don’t look like I have an eating disorder, I look like a disgusting fat pig. 

I have hardly talked to anyone, and I still haven't told them why I am here. Getting into an argument with your mom doesn’t send you away. I have never given them any reason to think something is wrong. I need to get the fuck out of here so I can fix all of this. The day will come whether I am here or not. I will find a way. 

It is now time to go to bed and I am still in these stupid scrubs. The nurses told me I would be able to wear normal clothes when my mom drops them off and they wash the clothes. It could be days. All day I have tried to make sure that they think I’m okay. They somehow knew about Leonardo and asked me about it but I changed the topic as fast as I could. Hailey must have told them about what had happened. Isn’t this a crime of some sort? She can’t tell people what I talk about in our private therapy sessions. I feel betrayed.