If Only You Knew

Chapter 1 through 2

In the book, we are reading the poem “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe. Somehow the poem speaks to me. Especially “From the thunder, and the storm— And the cloud that took the form (When the rest of Heaven was blue) Of a demon in my view—” because it reminds me of me. Of what is going on in my head. 

The bell rings, and now it is time for me to go to math. My friend Sahara is in that class, along with my other friend Lia. They are my best friends. My teacher, Mrs. Thomas is very kind, and she is very good at explaining how to do the work I am usually too stupid to understand. Sahara meets me in the classroom and I can’t help but give her a long hug. I didn’t want to, but I just started to ball. Everything I was trying not to do, I did. I pull myself together as much as I can. She just holds me and tells me it will all be okay. I know it won’t. The rest of the class is spent with Mrs. Thomas talking and me not listening. I’m too busy thinking. Thinking about everything. 

I’m so stupid.

What is wrong with me?

Why did I cry like that, now everyone knows. 

What happens when they ask?

Seriously, why did I do that?

I can’t handle the thoughts anymore. I get up and ask Mrs. Thomas if I can go to the bathroom. Before I go to the bathroom I stop by my locker. I have to get the glass. I hide the glass in my sweatshirt pocket and grab my bandaids. I practically ran to the bathroom, closed the stall door, and got out the glass. My hands and legs are shaking. In 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4. Just a few. I roll up my sleeves and put the glass against my wrist. I applied enough pressure so it would hurt. I drag and drag. It hurts, but as soon as I see the lines change color, and I can feel the warmth of the pool of blood, everything goes away. That night, my thoughts, my shame. Just silence. I put on the bandaid and do it again. A third time, a fourth. I do it until there are no bandaids left in my pocket. Then I pull my sleeves down, throw the bandaid wrappers away, and go back to class like it never happened.  

Ten minutes pass and the bell rings for the third period of the day. I go to a band with Sahara. She grabs my arm in the hallway and I try not to pull it away. She knows the warning signs, she used to be addicted to the pain too. She’ll know that I did it. She’ll know something is going on. She’ll ask. Besides my therapist, Sahara is the only one who knows about that night. She has a reddish brown shade of hair, and hazel eyes, and she wears black and brown glasses. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, and she is one of my best friends. In the band, she plays the clarinet, and she is excellent at it. Whenever I see her, I feel safe. I feel like I am not alone because she and I have secrets, secrets that only victims know. 

In the band, we have free time, so I wander the halls with Sahara. The moment we leave the band room, we both start laughing hysterically because our band teacher, Miss. Sidious told Peter to stop complaining about the “lumpy drum head.” It wouldn’t be that funny, but when she said it, it sounded like she was Louis from Family Guy. 

 “Petah! The drum head wouldn’t be lumpy if you didn’t bang on it so much!” Sahara said in between gasps for air. I’m laughing with her, but I can’t help but stop and think about why. Why does somebody as amazing as Sahara hang out with some weird freshman? She puts her arm around mine, and we go to the vending machine. I hope she doesn’t ask me if I want anything because I know if I tell her no, she will ask me the last time I ate. I haven’t eaten anything since Tuesday, and it is Thursday. I know I’ll have to eat something today, so I will get an apple at lunch. I won’t eat the whole thing but two or three bites should be enough. 

I like the satisfying type of pain that comes with starving yourself. The feeling of being in control of something. But I am also scared of gaining weight. If I know I’m gaining weight, I will run until I feel I have burned all of the calories, and lost all the weight, and I won’t eat until the number on the scale goes down by at least five pounds. I don’t look too unhealthy, but that is because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. People have too much going on in their lives to have to worry about a 15-year-old girl. 

I’m dreading going to the fourth period because I’ll have to see him. None of my friends are in the class with me, so I have to rely on the teacher for help if the time comes. Every second that goes by until the fourth period makes me more and more anxious. I don’t know how I would explain to the teacher that I need to be far away from Leonardo as possible because I’m scared he will rape me again. The word “rape” would be enough for him to send me straight to the office and I would have to tell them the worst thing that has happened to me. 

The bell rings, and Sahara and I get our things. She is going to World Geography, and I am going to Study Hall. I feel my heart start to pound, but I tell myself I will not let him see me in a panicked state. Miss. Larson says hello to me and I say it back. I take a seat and get my math homework. I feel my desk shift and look up. It’s Leonardo staring, and smirking at me like he never did anything wrong.

“Hey April, you look nice today!”

“I don’t look any different than any other day.” He knows exactly what he is doing.

“No, you're not wearing sweatpants today. You are wearing shorts.” I’m never going to wear shorts again.

“Leonardo, what is your point in being over here? You don’t care, you just want to hurt me.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about. Please, April, explain it to me?”

“Leonardo, go away. Please, I can’t today. You are too much!” I say this trying not to hyperventilate and cry at the same time.

“April, it hurts you would think that. After all, we have been through together. But if it’s what you want, just say no.” Like that would do anything.

“Go away!” Miss Larson looks up at him and gives him a dirty look. He leaves. I take a deep breath in and breathe out. Focus on my math, and try not to notice anything around me. I look up, and I see Leonardo smirking at me. I shake it off and go back to my math. My vision is blurry and my hands feel heavy.

The bell rings and I pack up my stuff and get ready to go to the fifth period of the day. I get a break from him but I know I’ll have to see him in the sixth period too. While I’m walking to class, Leonardo runs over to me.

“What is your problem?”

“N-Nothing.”

“If you tell anyone anything about what happened, I swear-”

“I know.” Why does he do this to me? Why me? What did I do?

I walk away and go to Choir, where I will see Eric. I will feel safe for forty-five minutes before being tortured for the last time today. I can not stop thinking about his words. They are echoing in my head. What do they mean? Most importantly, what is he going to do if I do tell someone? I got so distracted that I stopped singing and just sat there. I feel Eric’s hand on my shoulder, but I can’t move. I’m stuck. Stuck in his words and my thoughts. The phone rings, and I snap back into reality. Miss Sidious hangs up the phone and walks over to me. My mom had called me out of school. Normally, I would be mad about it, but it’s one less hour I don’t have to worry about.