The bitter lie and even-bitter truth

Evelyn Xavier.

What was I thinking? What was my heart thinking?letting Alexander kiss me.. so slowly and passionately that it had every nerve in my body in haywires.

Sex is and always will be moment of vulnerability where two person end up showing their deepest. And darkest secrets...desires.

And that mindset was fucking me up because not only was my body, my heart, reacting in ways I had never anticipated and all for. Not to be elicited by Alexander out of everyone.

I don't know what to feel. Anger, frustration and this strange warm sensation that was creeping into my heart and brain.

This feeling was strange...dangerous and intoxicating.

And it had egged my senses, slowly breaking down the defenses that I had build from childhood to now.

I let out a shaky sigh. The whole driveway back to the mansion none of us had spoken. Silence heavy with forbidden desires and conflicted emotions.

He went to his study room the moment we entered the mansion. And me? I stood in the hallway for a good minute before heading down the hallway.

I entered the hallway, walking a few steps before I sat down at a bench with shadows casted on the bench by the trees.

The leaves rustled softly, the birds chirping happily as they fly around. The distant water body swished softly, with the warm and refreshing air hitting my face.

It was perfect...comforting. A far cry to the turmoil raging inside me.

My heart and my body...it felt strange. Nerves buzzing like electric currents.

Sex wasn't supposed to feel like this? No. I had seen people have sex on the movies and romcom stuff...but this feeling was strange.

My body it felt warm...surprisingly relaxed for the first time in the twenty-eight years I had been alive for. Like I never had a burden to carry...nor worry about.

I rubbed my chest where I could feel a warm sensation stealing away the oxygen made for my lungs.

I suck in a shaky breathe.

I was never good with emotions. Not that I didn't know what others felt...but I was an emotionally unstable person yet...emotionally intelligent.

What was this feeling? This strange sensation coursing through me that had my senses fucked?

And why is it that this feelings only developed after having a passionate night with him. Of all people?

He is probably disgusted by me to even care about it. I mean...if he knew I had drugged him. He could hate me even more.

The only time my heart had felt this..strange was when I was tainted as the villain.

You're a monster.

You should have died in the car. Not Jasmine.

We raised a monster.

So...was I feeling tainted again...or is it another feeling...sensation that I haven't felt not understood?

What was it and why did I want to learn this new feeling?