Sharing My Heart

Hi guys. I hope you're doing well.

Again, I came here to share something to get it out of my chest.

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Disclaimer: I'll be sharing a lot of my regrets and some other stuff. And if you get triggered by terms like suic!d3, d3ath, unal!ve ownself etc, stay away for this chapter. And I'm sharing my experiences & thoughts, not universal truth. You may or may not agree with what I say & that's fine.

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Now, let's talk about some regrets,
• I now regret leaving the programming & coding route. Even tho, that wasn't "my call". Still I studied or had to study coding & programming to pass the exam. And as recruiters pretend, "we want a candidate for so-and-so post from a specific degree holder, coz they can do it better." But in reality, they just want someone to do their so-and-so job at a very cheap rate. They won't even admit that! So, that career switch of mine has proven to be career su!c!d3.

• Following that, I regret not finding or getting into a job sooner coz... I could've moved out with my family from my current location. This place tho its both peaceful & chaotic from time to time, people here didn't feel right for me. I'm convinced I'm not gonna fit in anywhere. But its suffocating to live like this till d3ath.

• Baba never says that he's disappointed at me for not being able to stand on my own two feet aka not getting my life on track. But I do see heartbreak in his eyes, when he shares how children of his acquaintances having a job & stable income. He says he's hopeful. But I doubt how long.

• Also, if I had a job, or at least minimum wage income in 2020-21, I could've tried to help my family, other families as well. In the news, not mainstream ones, I came to know about many children & adults who lost both of their parents at that time. Two family's story stuck with me.
One about 3 siblings, one of them was on wheel-chair, & all of them were minors; not teenager yet, they were still kids. And in the p*nd3mic, they lost their father, their only parent; their mother d*ed few years ago.
The other family had two sisters, lost both of their parents in the p*nd3mic & they were post-graduates and unemployed at the time.

There were several other families like them, across the country, across the world. Yet I still wonder how are they doing now.

• Lastly, I regret... either not being still b0rn or never being b0rn at all. Yes, I own it, I'm an ungrateful b!tch for not appreciating "the gift of life". F that!

Before I say anything further, let me clarify something. My parents or sister never outright said something like that to me. In fact, my parents always scolded & discouraged me to say or think this. And my parents aren't such people who wanted only boys as their children.

But I could see it. My struggle to understand or even feel same in this world, my utter incompetence in everything, my self-expression being "weird", hence becoming a punch bag for laugh, never getting anything right, never fitting in with anyone around me, always making a "chaos" while doing chores, me failing every time to make myself understood only to be misunderstood after all, called out for being rude, even called "rude" when I'm just silent or said something in a blank tone or in a monotonous fashion, and so on.

I know these vague statements, but that's how I can describe my experience in a short manner, without slipping any personal details. Ik I'm not alone when it comes to experiencing the above. Many have to suffer a lot then this.

When I was a kid, and I did any mistake, adults would tell me or scold me to "teach me or show me the right thing", at least that's what they say. But what it really engraved in me that if I d!3, people would live happily. I had this with me since... I was 8 yrs old. Class 2 & 3 were one of the most horrible times of my life, I was 7-8 years old in those classes. And deep down in my heart, I wished to never experience that living nightmare again. I wished to God for d3ath, but it never came. I'm such a coward that don't wanna live, but too afraid of d3ath. The biggest fear of unal!ving ownself is what if you fail. How would you show your face in the mirror? Or even to your ownself? You couldn't trust them, now no one trusts you if they could leave you alone.

A

nyone can say, "This is just full of self-pitty!", "You're self victimising yourself! Get over it!", "You're sooo over dramatic, highly sensitive. Can't you take criticism like normal folks like us?"

And you'll be right that I'm full of self-pitty, victimising myself in everything, highly sensitive, over dramatic... I own it. But sometimes people are too exhausted or traumatized or both, to fight back these negative emotions.

At this point of my life, every love, affection, appreciation towards me is fake; but every hate, judgement, criticism towards me is real. And that applies to my family as well.

Before I go, I do wanna ask you this, dear Reader. You can fake your love, affection, appreciation for someone; but can you fake your hate, judgement, criticism for the same as well? Let me know in the comments below.

I really hope no one doesn't read it, no even you, dear Reader.

Don't worry. I'll come back with another chapter.

Take care.

Bye.