Twenty/Twenty

This week. I want it to be done. Over. Finished. It's been nothing but a giant headache. But I also want time to stop. Because I don't want to have to make a decision about filing the marriage license. Clearly, this is quite the dilemma. Modern technology and research has done a lot of things but fast forwarding time, and slowing it down simultaneously, hasn't been accomplished as of yet.

One of the very few highlights has been the food. Jax has continued to arrange for delicious meals to be delivered for dinner every night this week. Most of them were from restaurants that I love but last night he sent a homemade dish. Chicken and dumplings. It's my very favorite comfort food. I've always been the one to make it while we were dating. Usually when I was feeling stressed or sad. He took the task upon himself this time. Knocking it out of the park. It was delicious.

It was Wednesday before I realized all of the food he's been pushing my way isn't an attempt to distract me from what he's done that has hurt me. It's his way of trying to take care of me. From a distance.

I didn't have this epiphany moment all on my own. It had to be spelled out for me. That day I arrived home to find more of my belongings delivered to Daphne's house. Carefully packed. Some of my favorite outfits and accessories. The rice and lavender therapy pack that I use every time the tension in my shoulders becomes overwhelming. A few of my most loved books as well as a new one I had purchased right before the wedding that I hadn't got the chance to read yet.

There was a handwritten note included in Jax's distinctive bold style.

Dear Tally,

Sending these things to you might be one of the scariest things I've ever done. I wouldn't ever want to do anything to make you think I'm trying to get you to settle into a life separate from mine. Everything within me screams out for the exact opposite. However, I want you to be comfortable so I went through your stuff and pulled out some of your favorite things.

I realize it's my own behavior that's created this space between us. I've been floundering about these past few weeks. Unsure of what was the best course of action. I've tried to take my cues from you. When you asked for no contact while you were away I honored that. Even though it killed me. You know me. I'm a doer. A worker. A fixer. But I didn't want to bulldoze in and cause even more damage. What I've done already is bad enough.

Since you've been home you haven't invited me back into close proximity so I've decided to continue to give you space while also looking for ways I can take care of you. Since I'm the reason for all of your pain it stands to reason that I should have some responsibility in finding ways to soothe it. It's a role I'm more than willing to play for as long as you need.

ALL of my love,
Jax

PS: I had to go into the office for a meeting this morning. As I was leaving Avery followed me to the parking lot. She was very emotional and trying to get me to engage. I told her we had an unhealthy dynamic and we needed distance between us. Which set her off about how you're a toxic person from a toxic background set on destroying our family. I asked her how she knew so much about your history. She told me the same story she told me before. So she repeated her false version of events. I told her I needed to go because I knew that wasn't true and I didn't have time for her lies. She got a bit desperate then and told me she'd hired a private investigator once she realized how serious I was about you. She kept saying she was just looking out for me. That family does that for one another. I didn't say another word. Just got in my car and left. I'm so sorry, Tally. I don't even know who she is right now. Maybe I never did.

This letter is representative of all of the reasons I can't decide what to do about legalizing the marriage with Jax. There's the positive. His effort to try to discern what I need from him. Not demanding anything from me. His desire to look after me. Not because I'm frail and helpless but simply because he wants to make my life better. His obvious attention to the details of my life. Packing my favorite things without having to be told what they are beforehand. These are all convey beautiful aspects to who he was as a partner.