Twenty/Twenty

Apparently, Jax believes his dad. Because the words start to tumble out. Not with his earlier ease and authority. But out nonetheless. "I'm not sure what to say. Or how to say it. The whole way here I tried to work out in my mind the best approach. I'm still not sure what that is but I think I'm going to go with telling you what you probably don't know. Which is what I was thinking and feeling during that period of time.

I was fine with acquiring a new cousin in an abstract way. However, once I met her it never felt like that assigned family role fit. I had cousins. We had shared memories and an understanding of one another. She was just a... stranger. A quiet stranger.

When the four of you approached me together and asked me to look out for her I had mixed feelings. Part of me was happy to help because I wanted my aunt and uncle to have the family they'd always wanted. Part of me was horrified because I didn't want a girl tagging along behind me constantly in middle school.

It was so awkward at first. But I saw her crying at school one day and it changed things. I decided it didn't matter if I was uncomfortable. I was going to do everything I could to help her assimilate. Prior to her arrival the only thing I really knew about her was that her mom had died and her dad wasn't around. Then each of you started doing separate check ins to see how she was doing. Each time you'd let snippets of information slip. With each of you possessing different pieces of the puzzle of Avery. Uncle Thomas is the one who told me about her suicide attempt. Aunt Cora Lee hinted at her having an unsettled home life before she came to live with them. Dad, you hinted at abuse. Mom, you talked about her having a difficult time finding a good therapist. If you're paying to read this story, it's been stolen from the original author, BlueGranite. You can find it for free on 抖阴社区. Over time the weight of that knowledge accumulated. The suicide was particularly heavy. I would have nightmares about finding her dead. Then one, or all, of you screaming that it was my fault."

I didn't think it was possible for Saint and Cece to look more stricken than they did before. I was wrong. It's a good thing Jax isn't looking at them because if he clued in to the pain his words were causing he might stop talking. Which is the very last thing he needs to do. Instead his eyes are zeroed in on the floral centerpiece of the island. But that's not what he's seeing. Not really. He's in the past. Bringing it into the present one sentence at a time. "As I've been looking back I've realized I'm the one who assimilated. Avery did become my shadow. And I, silently, accepted it.

She was always the lone girl in our group of guys. My friends pushed backed a bit at first but that only lasted a few months. Until right around the time she got her first training bra. That quiet girl morphed into something else. She was good at being fragile. And flirting. Honestly, it got on my nerves. Watching them all want to be the one who got her attention. Always having her involved in every aspect of my life. But at least she wasn't sad all of the time anymore. At least I had positive things to say when one of you would stop me to ask about her. At least the potential of her committing suicide felt farther away.

I kept hoping Avery would find some girl friends but it never really happened. I told myself it was because she had gotten comfortable with the boys. And she needed to be comfortable. It's amazing how clear some things have become in retrospect. Every behavior she had that should have raised some red flags was excused. It's a habit I formed because I needed her to be happy. Not just wanted it. Needed it. But that wasn't the only reason. I also learned it from watching each of you. Excuse after excuse. It became the unwritten rule of our family. Avery was never accountable for anything. That was my burden to bear. Accountable over and over again. At every check in.

Eventually, she became a habit. It was second nature to include her. Though it wasn't usually me doing the asking. It was one the guys. Inviting her along. Or one of you adults offering her the option to join me. Honestly, I was glad when she started dating. Because it gave me break.