Twenty/Twenty

Chapter 27 | The First Time I Make Up My Mind

Then there's the postscript. Avery. Her name alone conjures up all sorts of unpleasantness. Her lies. Her malignant relationship with Jax. If you're paying to read this story, it's been stolen from the original author, BlueGranite. You can find it for free on 抖阴社区. I'm not surprised she hired someone to look into me. I suspected as much. Then there's the very scary possibility she poisoned me in some way. Her level of intent is also up in the air. Did she want me to be miserable? Hoping I would back out? Or did she want me permanently removed from the picture?

I reconstructed the morning of the wedding with Daphne's help. We both remembered that I didn't even drink half of that iced coffee. She even found some pictures she'd snapped on her phone to confirm that. It shows the cup sitting in the background of our preparation still quite full. There had been so much going on I kept getting distracted. Only sipping some here and there. My stomach started feeling funny, and Cece had gotten me a ginger ale, so I never touched the drink Avery brought again. With just a little bit I'd become a very sick bride. So what would have happened if I'd ingested all of it? Was she trying to kill me?

Jax's eyes are slowly opening now but she isn't going to quietly go away. She's a part of his family. She's a part of his company. The ties binding her to his life are strong. Not easily frayed. Would he believe me if I shared my suspicions about what Avery's done? He, clearly, did take my word for it me when I told him she'd lied by saying I had shared details of my past. He'd even confronted her with it. But poisoning is a whole new level of crazy. Would he give an accusation that outstanding any weight?

I don't know. And there it is. The unvarnished truth. I don't trust him to protect me over her.

As I've looked through the apps and accounts on both of his phones, new and old, over the past few days the information has been painting a big picture. One broad stroke at a time. To me it's overwhelmingly obvious Avery has some significant problems. The never ending texts. The persistent angling for one on one time. The adamant refusal to go to a professional counselor. Creating new email and social media profiles to try to force contact. The tone in each of these attempts is needy. Desperate. The ongoing use of her self assigned status as a victim of domestic violence to garner sympathy. Every time Jax starts to pull away she throws that on the table. Her trump card. Funny how otherwise it's a non issue. Only brought up when she needs to manipulate. He's such a smart guy. Impressing me from the very beginning with his sharp thinking, leadership skills, and business acumen. Yet even with all of this proof in the very palm of his hand he's not able to see this for what it is. Calculated and cunning.

In his notes I found a document full of things pertaining to me. Anytime I said I liked something he wrote it down. He had a list of potential gifts for me, potential places he would like to take me to visit, and potential content we could watch together. It was incredibly sweet and attentive.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the only thing I found there. There was something else written. To Avery. It appeared to be a rough draft of a text or email. Written several weeks after the family reunion. In it he was describing how he'd felt more and more uncomfortable as he thought about what happened. Saying it felt like a violation to wake up under a blanket with someone other than me so intimately pressed up against him. He reiterated that neither of them were under any covers and she was on the other side of king size bed when he drifted off to sleep. He closed by stating he didn't want to be accusatory while she was already in a dark place but that he really needed her to be honest. Did she do that on purpose? Was she feeling lonely and crossed boundaries?

From what I can see it was never sent. On the very day the drafted communication was written he received a long text from Avery. There was a portion describing how fleeing an abusive relationship had wrecked her. She made several statements insinuating she's not felt so depressed in a long time. Not since she lost her biological mom and was adopted. Of course, Jax knows that's when she tried to commit suicide. She didn't come out and say it directly but she was wordsmithing to imply she's falling into a mindset where she might take her own life.

And it worked. It's like she's an emotional ninja. Sensing when she needs to make a move to pull him back towards her. He doesn't even trust his own judgment about Avery so I have no reason to believe he's going to continue to trust mine. He's been quietly living with his own discomfort about the experience that took place on the bed. Unsure of what happened. All for the sake of making sure she doesn't get even more upset in her "fragile" state of mind. The level of control she's managed to garner in his life is disturbing. If you're paying to read this story, it's been stolen from the original author, BlueGranite. You can find it for free on 抖阴社区. She's playing mind games and he's the blindfolded guy in the room that she keeps spinning around and around. In spite of so much evidence otherwise he keeps believing she's vulnerable. Needing comfort and support. Even when he's had his own doubts he's defaulted to taking care of her. How long before he does that again? From taking the fall for initiating the kiss, to hiding what Uncle Thomas did to him, to being the unwilling participant in a scene set to look intimate he always falls on the sword of silence. He's excused and dismissed so much.

How much of this is deliberate choice? How much of this is ingrained patterns of behavior? All starting when he was a twelve year old boy tasked with something well beyond his capability. It doesn't matter. As an adult he's responsible for his choices and the outcomes brought about by his unhealthy entrenched behaviors. It isn't fair that we have to battle demons we've inherited from others. But life isn't fair. It's real.

I want to be furious that he's had his own questions about her and never said anything. Just continued on. Life as usual. But the ground I want to take my stand on is pretty shaky. Considering I've done the same thing. It's Friday afternoon. The deadline for filing the license is looming. And I'm hiding in the copier room at work. Forcing myself to finally face some facts.

If I'm taking an unflinching look at reality then I have to acknowledge that even my choice to investigate the situation was made to momentarily avoid fully looking at a future without Jax as my husband. Even before I realized I had a deadline I was looking for a task. Something to turn my focus towards. A few days of reprieve. Distraction. Sure, I'm bewildered by so much that's happened. Sure, I have questions. Sure, I want answers. But, deep down, I've always understood Avery is a threat in some way. Maybe I wasn't aware of how far she would go to get what she wants but I do know I've never felt safe around her. Just like I've always known there's been multiple times where Jax was choosing her well being over mine. The things I uncover may add some meat but the bones have always been the same. Nothing I discover was ever going to change the outcome.

The private investigator we hired to look into Avery told us he'd probably be ready to meet with us on Monday. But I don't need to wait until I get more information to know what I have with Jax is so fractured it can't be a solid foundation. Anything built on it is going to fall.

Just as Jax is responsible for his choices and the outcomes brought about by his unhealthy entrenched behaviors, so am I.

Then I feel it. Again. Just like I did in that wretched supply closet at the reception venue. My heart starts racing. I can't breathe. Touching my flushed face in a panic I feel wetness. Tears. Pouring down. It's as if I'm in a tunnel and everything is getting farther and farther away. From the void I hear Daphne calling to me, "Tallulah! Tallulah! Listen to me! I'm here. Breathe with me. I've got you!"

I try. Inhaling deeply on her cue. Exhaling. Eventually, with a voice I barely recognize as my own, I strangle out the words, "I can't file the license. I want to. More than I've ever wanted anything. But I can't."