Mushoku No Sonzai 無色の存在 (Colorless Existence)

December, 2015

Winter. The coldest season on this planet. What makes it the coldest? What made man proclaim that Winter was the absolute coldest season? Who created the word "winter"? I don't know....Well, it's not like it matters anyway. So long as my emotions are cold, every season is cold....

My name is Nobuyuki Susumu. 17 years old. Alive? I don't know....I look up at the night sky. A cold breeze rushes to my face. It's freezing. My blood won't stop pouring out, but I can't get up. My body is frozen, unable to move at all. I can barely speak....Well, it doesn't matter if I can speak. Nobody will hear me in this abandoned alley....Why did I do this...? Why did I want it?...I don't know anymore....No. I don't want to know anymore.

I hear sirens in the distance. Shortly after, I hear footsteps rushing near the front door. Who is it? What are they doing? I don't know....Slowly, my eyes began to close on their own. Am I going to die...? Am I finally free...? I don't know. I don't know anything....Everything faded to black....I lost consciousness....

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My eyes slowly open. A faint shed of light pierces my eye. Where am I?....

"Oh, you're awake."

I turn my head to see an old looking man standing near me. The realization then comes to me quickly....I'm in the mental hospital...again....The old man, wearing a lab coat, turns and walks towards the corridor.

"Please do make sure to speak with the psychologist in the room next door."

He soon left.
I slowly get up from the bed, and immediately notice something. The wound on my chest is gone. Did I undergo surgery...? How long have I been here....? I slowly walk towards the hallway and head for the room the old man told me about. Maybe the psychologist will tell me how long I have been here.

As I enter the room, I find a woman sitting behind a desk.

"Come in. Have a seat."

I was in no position to object, so I walked towards the vintage wooden chair, and sit.

"Nobuyuki Susumu, correct?"

I notice her filling out documents on her desk.

"Yes."

I replied quickly. I wanted to get this over with quickly.

"Nobuyuki-san, do you understand your current situation?"

"I'm here because I wanted to die."

She gives me a stern look.

A sense of confusion fills me. That's right...I can't remember why I wanted to die...But, why?

"Correct. Now, may I have your signature on these pages please?"

She shuffles through several pages and sets a stack in front of me. The front page read "Involuntary Permanent Warding." What...? Something didn't seem right. What did they mean by "permanent"....?

"Excuse me. What is this for?"

....She didn't answer, and continued to scavenge through documents. I knew I wasn't going to get any answers from her, so I signed the pages quickly. She took the stack of papers and stamped them roughly.

"Okay. You finished. Please go wait near the reception area."

I did not understand why I needed to wait there, but I didn't have many options. I reluctantly went to the reception area and sat down on the brown sofa. It felt dusty...

How long do I need to wait? I comb back my black hair with my hand, and look at the clock. It's past 6:00 pm. I look around the reception area. Bookshelves scattered with old books that probably are worthless today. A wooden table with a coffee brewer. A large television disconnected and tossed in a cabinet. A few of these objects felt very old, I almost lost my sense of time.

Suddenly, I see a large white van pull up outside the building. Two men dressed in white step out of the van, and unload strange looking rags. Are they janitors? They open the glass doors, and speak with the receptionist.

"We're here to pick up Nobuyuki Susumu. Is this the correct building?"

I feel a sudden shock rush through my spine. Me...? What do they want with me...? Could it be another Susumu they are talking about...?

The receptionist quickly gestures towards me.

"Yeah. He's right over there."

What....? He clearly pointed at me......So what do these two men want with me....? The two men walk towards me and quickly wrap the white rags around me. I struggled, confused at what was happening.

"W-Wait. What are you doing???"

They tied up a strap behind me. It was suddenly obvious what the rags were. I have been put in a straight-jacket.....!

"W-Wait!!!! What is this for???? What are you going to do!?"

The two men stayed silent as they lifted me up sideways. Suddenly, a third man enters, carrying a stretcher into the building. They set me on to the stretcher. Don't tell me......Those papers were.....

Immediately, I feel a surge of pain stabbing my neck. A needle was being injected into me.....My body suddenly grew heavy. My eyes refused to stay open....My ability to think...began to fade....I was losing consciousness....As I felt the stretcher move outside the building, I began to wonder why this had happened....Why....How....I don't know....I no longer felt a single thing....