Hello Internet ? Phan

Seven

It hurt to see him smile like nothing had happened. I couldn't handle my pain.

I turned on my camera and started to film.

"Hello Internet... So you're probably wondering where I am. I'm at home. Um.. Phil and I are no longer in each other's lives, or even on speaking terms. I'm sorry to everyone who really shipped Phan." I teared up. "I'm sorry to everyone, really. I'm such a terrible person. I yelled at him while he was the fucking hospital and I was always so needy. Phil was always so compassionate and just understood what I was going through... But now..." I looked at the knife on my desk.

"Now I'm alone. My brother even sees the torture I'm facing, but I haven't heard from Phil since June 1st. My birthday passed and I didn't receive a birthday wish, a text, call, present... Not even a letter or a card. I just.. I can't keep living like this."

I went silent, my eyes flooding. "I'm depressed, I'm a complete wreck of a human being. I can't even do anything now. I know I didn't deserve the love I.. I thought was forever. I should've guessed that back then.. Back before I met him, and kissed him.. Back before I even watched his first fucking video. I hate every choice I've made. I should've stayed there. I should've stood up for our relationship but I didn't because I'm a fucking faggot who doesn't deserve to live anymore." I breathed heavily.

"To my mum... I love you, I really do. I'm sorry I was like this. I'm sorry I left you. To Adrian, I always wanted to be the great big brother that you'd watch grow up to do amazing things.. But I know you'll aspire to do something spectacular with your life. I love you so much." I was no longer crying.

"To my dad.. You left us. You left us when Adrian was just born.. And now you're seeing this because you got your wish. You were never a real dad. A real dad doesn't rape and beat their son."

"And to Phil..." I teared up again. "I hate this. You know I do. I never wanted this to happen but I also had the allusion of us being the perfect couple and end up getting married one day.. And having kids. Starting a family and being happy together with our YouTube careers. But this happened for a reason, and I'm sorry I was such a terrible boyfriend. I know no one wants to walk in on their boyfriend trying to kill himself.. We both had our own problems, but we didn't let that get to us. You're better off without me, Phil.... But I will always.. Always love you. You're my sunshine in my hellish darkness. I can't live without that warmth. I'm sorry." I closed my eyes.

"Goodbye Internet." I shut off the camera and proceeded to edit and upload. While it uploaded, I went to the medicine cabinet and found the sleeping pills my mum took after my dad had left because she couldn't sleep.

There were several left. I wasn't going to take any chances on only taking a couple, so I poured a decent amount onto my hand and got a water bottle from my room.

"This is it." I whispered to myself, then I dumped the pills into my mouth and swallowed hard with water. While the pills worked their course, I carved into my skin.
P....h....i....l

My video was done uploading and it was time that my mum would most likely be close to seeing it now.

The pills were working fast. I felt lightheaded and fell into my bed, clenching onto Phil's shirt. It was a lion shirt he was selling to spread awareness about his channel.

Suddenly I felt really nauseous and dizzy. I was dying.

My eyes fell shut.

/

The next thing I knew was I was in the hospital. My mum was sitting by my bed.
Tears rushed out of my eyes.. I couldn't speak to her. She'd be ashamed.

"Danny...." She cried hard. "Why? Why again? I watched your video."

"I'm sorry.." I whispered.

"Dan.." A voice was at the door. Phil.

"Hello Phillip. Would you..?" She gestured before leaving when he nodded.

/

"Dan.. I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You only came here because I nearly died. You saw the video and didn't want hate on YouTube. Just.. Just leave me.." I was blunt. He got up and left. I saw a blank but pained expression on his face. He's better off.

I fell asleep, weak from the attempt.

/

"Dan I still love you. You know I'm mentally unstable. And I was in the fucking hospital!" Phil was there, trying to speak to me.

"You didn't acknowledge my birthday. Why would I eve-"

"I forgot, okay? I was in the hospital for an entire month."

"Forgot. Yeah I wasn't a big part of your life, was I?"

"Damn it, Daniel." He pulled me close, one hand on my hip, the other around my neck. "I said I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't want to break up."

I pulled away from him and walked away.
"Daniel... Danny..." He pulled my arm and saw my scar covered skin. "I fucking love you."

I held back the acute urge to kiss him by hold my arms up, ready to push him away. He slowly moved my hands away from my chest, and guided them down his chest, to his hips. He then wrapped his hands around my neck and pulled me closer.

"Let me love you." He whispered as his hands slipped into my shirt, flinging it off abruptly. He then felt my chest and I felt his head get closer to my neck as his warm breath made me feel comfortable again.

I had no control of myself as my hands ripped his shirt off and slipped down to the zipper of his jeans. We were both unaware of what was going to happen now, while he pulled my jeans off and pushed me down onto the bed and climbed on top.

/

I woke up with a sweat. It felt real. I wiped my forehead and then realized there was a stuffed toy I had recognized. It was a toy I saw in the store at the mall... It was the toy that I saw before leaving the store and running into a tall, black haired guy. It the next morning now.

There was a note left with it on a red card. He remembered my favorite colour.. I picked up the note and read:

Dan, I'm sorry I was a terrible person this past month. I made the mistake of breaking your heart, and you nearly died because of it. Before I even heard what happened to you, I was at the mall and walked past the store you love. I saw this toy, and thought you'd like it... Then I realized I forgot your birthday so I know this won't make up for that. I didn't see your video until after I bought the toy, remembering what a terrible mistake I made. I had just purchased it and then your mum called me. She said you were in the hospital after attempting suicide. I was devastated and knew I couldn't take back anything I had already said that broke your heart..

But I love you with all of my heart, and I won't give up on you. I will do whatever it takes to have you back in my arms, and back to living with me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I miss you terribly. Please forgive me.

I love you. I really do.

I'm forever yours, Phil Lester.

My tears hit the card as I realized what was happening. I was now the one who was being conceited and hateful. I felt horrible.

The nurse came in to check on me. "Hey Dan. I see you saw the doll.. He left that for you."

"I made a mistake."

"A mistake?"

"I shouldn't have pushed him away when he came here. I was just so tired of feeling unwanted."

"I have to say one thing." A new voice was at the door.

"You're definitely wanted."

"Phil?" My eyes lit up.

"Let's get you home." He smiled, seeing that I had read the card in my hand.