everything has changed ? joshler [ON HOLD]

Drown - Front Door Step

"tyler, honey, what's wrong?"my mom asks as i pass her sobbing my heart out.

i don't want to face her right now. i know she'll say things like 'i told you so', and i don't need that. i don't.

i run upstairs and lock my bedroom door. i almost literally throw myself on to my bed and grab the nearest pillow and just sob into it. i let every ounce of water in my body leave in form of tears. i'm pretty sure i could die of dehydration at this very moment.

my mom knocks non-stop. "sweetie, what's wrong? why're you crying?"

"leave me alone!"i yell at her...well, mostly sob loudly.

"but tyler..."

"i said leave me alone! go away!"

i hear her go downstairs. that's the only good thing that has happened today: my mom leaving me the hell alone. how sad is that? i feel so pathetic and stupid. i feel like actual shit.

my eyes begin to run out of tears. the pillow is almost soaking wet from them. i don't remember a time i have cried this much.

my phone vibrates like crazy. i don't even need to see who is calling me, it's obviously josh trying to explain whatever the hell he messed up on. does he actually think i'm just gonna forgive him like that?

it's not that easy. it's not even easy at all.

consciously or not, he cheated. he did the special little things we do with brendon, some more than others. he touched him in ways i only thought we shared between us. who even knows what else they did. i don't want to find out either. it's disgusting. messed up.

i wish i had the guts to pick up and yell at him. just scream all my feelings at the moment. i don't. he doesn't deserve to be talked to.

he will give up...eventually.

fuck you, joshua. fuck you and all the things you made me feel. fuck you and all your 'i love you's. fuck you and all the memories we shared. fuck you. fuck you and brendon. fuck you both. you make me sick.

you're not worth my company.

you're not worth it.

you're not worth the pain.

you never cared, did you? you just pretended.

i am such an idiot for thinking that you did.

i hope that you burn...

i turn off my phone since the vibrating thing is annoying me. it also ruins my small pity party. if you can even call it that anyway.

i just lay on my bed, hugging my tear drenching pillow so close to my heart, staring at the ceiling thinking about what on earth i could've have done to push him to do such atrocity. tears still escape my eyes no matter how hard i try to keep them in.

we haven't fought in a while, and even if we did it wasn't such a big deal. it was over the remote or which movie we should see later. i haven't done anything bad for him to do it as revenge. i wish i could understand why he did it.

he said he was gonna hang out with brendon to study for french. i thought it was okay, after all i am taking spanish and don't know anything about french except 'bonjour' and 'oui'.

but josh wouldn't do something like that on purpose. right? he wouldn't hurt me...

he is the only person in the entire world that i feel safe with, who knows every tiny detail about me and my life. i considered him my soul mate. i trusted him with my life, and he fucked it all up.