everything has changed ? joshler [ON HOLD]

Aware

i don't even know what to believe anymore.

what is real?

were the beautiful, romantic things he always told me true? did he actually care about me? or was i just a distraction for him to have while he found somebody else?

god i wish i knew.

my mom picks her way inside my room, goddamn it bobby pins. she brought a box of tissues and some coffee or hot chocolate in a white mug.

"tyler...sweetie, i know you want to he alone right now. but i think i can help,"she says with a warm smile on her face. her eyes look sincere.

she puts the tissues and mug on the bedside table, then sits beside me. her fingers comb my hair from it's messiness. she whispers a lullaby to me. i can't really identify which one it is...but i completely lose it.

i throw myself at her, my arms around her neck while i sob into her shoulder. "everything hurts,"i cry.

"i know it does...i know how you feel."

❂

tyler doesn't pick up when i call him.

he doesn't reply to my messages.

it only makes me feel a billion times worse.

i don't know what to do.

i left brendon's house hours ago. i felt so dirty there, especially with him pretending everything was alright. it made me feel sick to my stomach.

my parents didn't even bother to ask me why i was crying so much when i got home. they probably don't care. my dad would be so happy if he knew that tyler and i are most likely not together anymore. but he would be so furious if he knew that instead i slept with another boy.

my siblings are too busy in their preppy catholic little pathetic lives to care, too. i just want one person, just one, to care about me. there is only one person who is like that, and he currently wants me dead.

i don't bother to call tyler anymore. he doesn't want anything to do with me right now.

all i do until i fall asleep is cry. i just let it all out.

how, no no, why on fucking earth did i do such thing? i still cannot comprehend it. in the other hand, i don't want to either. because i will start to blame that detail for the rest of times.

brendon probably thinks i just used him or something. he will start to hate me too. and by chain reaction, all of our friends will hate me too: patrick, melanie, pete, ryan...everyone.

it hurts to even phantom how much tyler hates me. i hurt him in ways i could never even possibly consider.

he's overreacting about this, right? he knows that i wouldn't hurt him. just because i may or may have not been with somebody else, doesn't mean he has to get all jealous right?

right.

he's just being the drama queen he always is. that's all. he'll cool down in a few days or so, he always does.

this thought makes me feel better about myself. i know i'm right; it still hurts that he thinks i did so in purpose and said those things about me though.

i really hope he didn't mean them.

][

josh, wyd?

it was awful to write tyler's pov you have no idea how bad i felt tyler honey i'm sorry. the song holy fuck it's literally tyler's pov and it's so good if you didn't listen to it, do yourself a favor and do it.

listen to it while you reread this chapter.

this isn't edited cause fuck that

i hate school please get me out of here ughhhhhhhh

also the heavydirtysould video i'm so ready but i'm not at the same time hELP

next chapter's sort of political in the way i will 'trigger' people from tumblr oops sorry in advance bye