(Sherlock x Reader) Never trust those who are never truthful

Chapter 8 - Avoidence

"Okay," you took a deep breath as Sherlock readied himself for the reason, he hoped it would be a good one. He was not disappointed, "I've always had trouble with people looking at me, unpicking my every move. Ever since I was a kid I've had Doctors, Psychiatrists, people in general, poking around in my head. I just don't want anyone in there anymore, they might see something they don't enjoy. Something that they would rather have not seen."

He paused to think, he knew what it felt like to be looked at as a freak and nothing else. How it felt to feel branded with names that weren't your own and that were only placed there to hurt you. How it felt to dig up memories you had rather repressed. "I wasn't trying to observe you in that way. I'd already done that when we met-"

"Oh well that makes me feel much better," you said sarcastically, tears welling up in your eyes. Why were you crying now of all times? Why would your body never do as it's told, always malfunctioning. This was the worst of times to happen. Why did he have to be here, even if there was a wardrobe between you. You did not want him to see you like this, he'd just taunt you relentlessly afterwards. You tried to suppress your sobs so that he wouldn't hear. You knew he had anyway but you tried nonetheless. Perhaps you could at least keep a part of your dignity still intact.

"Thats not what I meant, why do emotions always have to be so candescent? Never relenting once they've reared their ugly heads. Emotions are such a burden," it sounded like he was speaking to himself but you at the same time. Why did he have to talk in such riddles? That man would never become clear to you, never. Even when you two would become at your closest he would always seem a mystery to you, as you were to him.

"I know what you mean, as soon as you start to feel an emotion you can't get rid of it. Mostly with those that you didn't even want in the first place," you sighed, how on earth did this conversation become this? You weren't even supposed to be having this conversation. You had forbidden yourself, it was for the best. You shouldn't be talking to him. And yet your mouth didn't seem to be listening to you. "The same goes for thoughts, as soon as they come into your head, you can't get rid of them. They're planted and then they grow. They grow until you become paranoid and the thought overcomes you so much, it becomes you. Unless you act upon them of course, that's always the best solution to get rid of thoughts and feelings. Acting."

"Yes, that's what I was trying to achieve by observing you," he said confusing you slightly. What on earth did he mean?

"I don't understand, how can observation be an action? Surely you would need to voice those observations?" You were thinking out loud, doing as you had just thought.

"True, but I never got around to that acting part that I intended to do," he admitted. He hadn't realised but he had been biting his fingernails again, old habits die hard.He mainly did this when he was highly strung like he was now. He felt that he needed those nicotine patches soon, he wasn't sure if he'd last much longer considering he didn't have many nails left to bite. Some of them were even bleeding now. He really needed to remember himself when things like this happened, calm himself.

"And what action would you have taken if I hadn't left so abruptly?" You questioned, it seemed to take him a while for him to answer. As if he were carefully planning out his answer. As if he hadn't done so he would most surely hurt your feelings.

"I would have done something that I would have called drastic, bearing in mind I was acting upon my emotions and not my thoughts. Which I personally feel is an error in human nature, mine especially." He seemed to stop after that, not really wanting to voice his observations after all.

You had to prompt him, "Go on."

Another pregnant pause, "I would have asked if you would wish to be in a relationship with me, one further than friendship," All of his nails were now bleeding and he now knew why, he was worried for your feelings. And now he felt that he didn't really want to know if those feelings were returned anymore.

"I see," you said calmly although that was not what was going on in your head at that current moment. Blood was rushing through you head and you could feel it pumping through your ears. Your stomach churned, butterflies no longer contained to a certain extent, but feeling as if a whole wave of them were upon you. A tsunami tide. Your knees felt weak from where you were standing facing the door and you could no longer stand properly. You clutched to the wall. Why was this mention of feelings having such an adverse affect on you? Perhaps it was because it was such a long time after such a horrible relationship that you felt that you could no longer be loved. By anyone. Let alone a man like Sherlock Holmes. But maybe, just maybe it would take a Sherlock Holmes to love you.

"____? Are you okay?" Sherlock asked from the other side of the door, it had been a little longer than you realised from when you had last talked. Ten minutes to be exact. Your perception of time had never been that good, even when you were most aware.

"Y-yes, just a little...overwhelmed," You said now sitting on the floor, your mind completely blank. How were you supposed to react? How did normal people react to situations like this? You didn't know, you had never dealt with something like this before. It was all a bit new because all of your previous relationships just kind of...happened. So you were a novice at things like this, as was the man who had just asked you for such a thing.

"Uh, can I come in?" He asked after another pause that seemed to consume more time than you were aware of.

"N-no, I need to think," it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't quite the truth either. You could never get the hang of being completely truthful.

"Oh okay, well can I have an answer, at least an 'I don't know'? I wanted to tell you myself that I was observing you but John had to ruin it," he was trying to joke but you couldn't hear him anymore, you were changing. Another text had come through. Urgent, you needed to go.

"I'll think about it," you had actually made up your mind of what would happen between you two by then, but you would never tell him that, perhaps a few years into your relationship but not now.

And yet again, you made a quick exit. These were becoming regular things for you and Sherlock wasn't exactly sure if he liked it considering it always seemed to be on his account. You would tell him your answer later, if you didn't decide to ignore him again. But he would just have to wait and see.

---

A/N - my fingers feel a little better but the meds haven't helped my skin. I got a chapter up though! And Sherlock has asked you out, we'll have to see what you response is though ;)